I’ve always been a fencesitter when it comes to having kids. I’m getting to a point where I think I’d like to have a kid. I don’t know if it’s because I really want one, or there’s just nothing major left on the list of life accomplishments and it’s a societal expectation.
The thing is, I can think of a million and one reasons not to have one and can’t put into words why I would want one. However, I’m starting to have a nagging feeling that I want to start trying. I just don’t know if that feeling is something I actually want, or just society telling me I should.
It doesn’t help that I don’t have a lot of small children I regularly interact with, so I honestly don’t have a clue what life would look like after kids, beyond it being a lot of stress and hard work. It also doesn’t help my spouse says it’s my choice and they’ll go along with whatever I want .
Any advice or things that helped you know it was the right choice/time for you to expand your family?
I’ve always been a fence sitter as well, and for the longest part of my life I was kinda certain I didn’t want any kids, but in hindsight that was mainly because the women I was with had no interest either. When I met the mother of my daughter, very early on in the relationship she straight up asked me if I could see myself as a parent at some point in the future. I said yes because that’s the truth. I could just as well not see myself as a parent, but it wasn’t a clear no.
Our daughter was born in the fifth year of our relationship. We would have loved to spend another couple of years just as the two of us, but she’s several years older than me and approaching her 40s, so her biological clock was ticking. So we sat down and had a long talk about whether we actually wanted to do this. I’ve never been the most ambitious fella out there, and if there’s an easy or comfortable way of doing something I’m likely to take it. With this topic though I didn’t want to live the rest of my life thinking in the back of my head that my kid didn’t get born because it would have been outside of my comfort zone. So we went and tried and my gf got pregnant within two months. Our daughter is 7 months now and a wonderful little drooling ball of energy and we love her to death. With all the uncertainty that comes with having a child, one thing is certain though: we don’t want a second one :D
Ehh even that might change.
Nature has a way of making parents forget about how hard it was. At the end of the day, that’s really the goal for all sexually reproduced life…be fruitful and multiply.
Usually after you get past potty training, get into a bit of a lull in toddler mood swings. That quiet period between terrible 2s and a threenager.
Then you and your partner see an infant. Usually a niece/nephew. Sometimes a close friend. And you both swoon. And that’s the first symptom of baby fever.
Once you’re exposed it is difficult to shake, and more difficult if you are cohabitating with another carrier. Repeated exposure results in longer and longer recovery times.
Baby fever can only be cured by producing a baby, but its effects can be prevented. Ask your doctor about Vasectomies today.
A vasectomy is definitely something we’re considering, but just in case the baby fever should ever hit us again, my girlfriend will be over 40 by then and that’s too old for comfort (I know plenty of women even older than that have healthy, happy babies, but still), and also we simply aren’t in a position to afford a second one :D
I know, my step-MIL had her last in her mid-40s. She had GD and he was born 13lbs and natural, and oh will she let you know about that. Which is especially embarrassing now that he’s old enough to take to the bar.
Point is they aren’t always entirely planned. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you about the specifics.
Two months of actively trying is pretty good. We were at 1 of honestly trying, only because her Aunt showed up on our honeymoon. But we were certainly more cautious (“don’t be a dummy…”) between “stopping the pill” and “trying not to be pregnant in a wedding dress” and “trying to actually start the family”
Yeah, was almost a bit too fast for our liking, didn’t really leave us time to get used to the idea. My gfs gynecologist was really surprised when she showed up pregnant, said she had expected her in a year or so :D Nice early reminder that kids don’t care for your plans.
Second took us almost a year.
We just got over a bout of baby fever. Followed immediately by what looked like a really faint positive. Followed by “wtf were we thinking we can’t handle a third”.
Fortunately no other test gave us that scare.
I’m sure the fever will return though. We’ve got a 1 year old nephew, one of her friends just had their fourth and one of our best friends is expecting her third. My wife has seven (step|half|full) siblings in their 20s and 30s. Nearly half of them have no kids, and almost all of the rest are single guys in their “spread your wild oats” years. It’s unavoidable.
I didn’t want kids. Now I have two. We didn’t go for the third because we are getting too old for this (it is immensely taxing, physically and mentally) and well, we couldn’t afford it (childcare is a monster that will take everything from you). I’ve spent an hour tonight to deal with a tantrum. But then he tells me (during the night, when he wakes me up to hold his hand to walk him to the bathroom) “you’re the best daddy ever” (and I am certainly not!).
The most important thing is that you both know what is going to be for the first few years. Lots of being tired, very little free time, stress, possibly money worries, a LOT of literal shit to clean, trips to ER, no travel far away etc. Also, it could have career repercussions, especially for the mother (but also for the dad if he has/had to travel a lot for work).
I realize that I’m giving you a lot of reasons to NOT have kids, but look at it this way: after all the problems, I’m still happy that I did.
You know in your heart if you really want kids.
You know in your head whether you’re in the right situation to raise them.
Don’t have kids unless both you and your partner definitely want them. If you both really want kids, ask yourselves whether now is the right time or if there’s something you should wait for first, like career, housing, finances etc.
In my head, we’re in a great position. Good jobs with great parental leave (for the US), own our house that has plenty of room to grow, family support nearby, etc.
My heart is less certain of what it wants.
Or perhaps, I’m pretty sure I want kids but am scared of being wrong.
If it helps at all, I couldn’t imagine not wanting my kids after having them. I miss being freedom of being childless but I don’t mourn it, if that makes sense.
Oh don’t worry, the little bastards absolutely brainwash you to make you think they’re the most amazing thing ever. It’s hard work, physically, mentally and every which way, but I wouldn’t be without them for the world. Bastards.
If you get married first, the cute little bastards aren’t actually bastards.
I can’t answer the ‘when’ part—that’s so individual that I’m not sure anyone has that answer for you and your specific situation. However, I can tell you how I finally decided that I did want them after being either a hard-no to fence-sitter in my early/mid twenties.
For me, it came down to what would I say if my kid ever looked at how horrible the world is, then looked back at me and asked “Why did you decide to have kids with everything the way it is?” For a while, I didn’t have a good answer because, well, gestures widely at everything
But then for some reason something shifted and I came to a different conclusion. There are a lot of horrible people in this world, and I want to help put good people back into it.
It probably helps that my husband is the most amazing, kind person I’ve ever met, from an incredibly loving and supportive family. I never had that growing up (I don’t even talk to my parents), and for the longest time I didn’t want to pass on any residual toxicity. But he has been wonderful in showing me a better way and that also made me really excited to start a family with him specifically. I’m so excited that my kids get to grow up having his family as theirs, as well. They’ll have the love and support I never got and I’m proud to pass on that kind of legacy instead of my own family’s.
I’m rambling now, but I hope some of that was helpful at least.
This isn’t quite what you asked for, but I’ve been in your position. I was never sure I actually wanted kids. Neither was my wife. And because I wasn’t willing to alienate my family I’d keep telling them that “we’re trying” whenever they asked me (never her; I drew that line in the sand immediately). And we did try, and we had a lot of fun trying. It just never happened for us, and frankly, we’re glad that was the case.
We were both accidents, unplanned and unwanted (at first, or so my parents told me). We’ve come to believe that unplanned and unwanted kids never really stop being unwanted, and that their parents always resent them for altering the trajectories of their lives. So, in the absence of positive reasons to have kids, it was probably for the best that we didn’t have kids. We weren’t willing to commit to planning for kids and making them happen. We didn’t want them enough, so it’s a good thing we didn’t have them.
TL;DR: all kids should be wantedd, and having kids ought to be a HELL YEAH OR NO situation. If you aren’t absolutely sure you want kids, don’t have them. It doesn’t matter what your friends and family think or say; they won’t be there helping you raise them. Nor does it matter what the rich and powerful say; they aren’t going to help you either. Don’t have kids unless you want them, and are willing to defy heaven and earth alike for their sake.
Don’t have kids unless you want them
This is the source of my angst. How can I know if I truly want them or if I’ve just internalized societies expectations of me? Especially since I can’t truly make an educated choice given I don’t know how my life will change after, only that it will.
I’m really just an incredibly indecisive person and making these sort of life changing decisions that you can’t take back is impossible.
This is why I linked to Derek Sivers’ “Hell yeah or no”. If you aren’t certain about having kids, then you should default to “no”.
I had kids early because I still wanted to still be in my 40s, by the time we had an empty nest. Financially we were able to handle it, but you aren’t ever really ready, it’s just not something you can prepare for. The way you think your life is gonna go after kids, is never really close to the way it actually ends up after kids. Your perspective and priorities completely change
Also you get to laugh at people who a) are about to have kids and think they have everything sussed and b) people who have just had kids for the first time and haven’t fully realised the enormity of what’s about to hit them.
I decided that there was no way that an incipient fascist state could possibly subject my child to untold human suffering.
Oh wait
