All I want to do is to fix it and make it better for them but I can’t.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’re a man, and not a woman. This is a common response to a problem when a man faces or hears about a problem. I’m also going to guess you’re a young adult. Its a trait in young adults that (with the best intentions) they see distress and assume its not only their responsibility, but that its in their power, to fix someone else’s problem whether they asked for it or not. Keep in mind, nothing I’m saying here is negative criticism. I was the same way in both aspect when I was younger. Age has given me some wisdom, and I hope sharing some can help you.

Lets break this down:

There are a few people in my life right know who I care deeply about. They are going through some very rough times right now. (Ex: money issues, sick relatives, etc.)

This is part of life. I don’t care who you are, how rich or poor, how famous or unknown, each one of us will be visited by life and given various struggles to face. Many will be small, but inevitably some will bring you to your knees with pain and suffering you never knew possible, and others yet, at the extreme end, will take your life. This…is just life. The price of continued living, is signing up to having to keep hit some of these, and working through it the best you can. The main point here is that EVERYONE will go through at least some really really bad times.

And it’s been making me go a bit crazy tbh. It’s pretty narcissistic of me to be reacting this way, but I can’t help it.

Please take this next part with nothing but love, but… GET OVER YOURSELF. You’re not god. You’re not omnipotent. You’re this tiny speck of existence that is doing just barely marginally better than the person you’re looking at that needs “to be fixed”. I say this so you understand that you should only drive yourself crazy on these if you think that you have the power to remove this burden. Full truth: YOU DON’T! So you’re not failing to remove these burdens from them, you’re a tiny insect in a hurricane. You’re just along for the ride, just like the rest of us. Make the best of what you can and what you are.

The advice I’ve had in the past is “just be a friend and be there for them,”

The “be a friend” phrase, especially to young adults isn’t useful enough. I’d expand on it to mean:

• reach out and check in on them, it lets them know another human cares about them
• support them in their situation or decisions unless they those things are actively self destructive to them
• if the self destructive things come, give the hard talk they need to hear
• be available. This means to talk, but 95% JUST TO LISTEN WITHOUT TRYING TO FIX IT

Also, doing discredit their agency and efforts. They aren’t young children that can’t do anything for themselves or can’t improve their situation. Doing that belittles the power and effort they DO have they are bringing to bear against the burden in front of them. Don’t take that away from them. Support them, but don’t de-power them.

but there is only so far I am mentally and even physically able to go with that. I am very frustrated because I hear about what’s going on all the time and I am powerless to do anything to help.

Understand your mental and physical limits. The most useful phrase here is “Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” You have a finite capacity for helping others. Figure out what that is, and what you’re willing to give of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Finally, and this is a REALLY REALLY hard thing to come to terms with:

Some people are beyond your help or worry. They are an infinitely deep back hole where spending on them, monetarily, mentally, physically, or emotionally is never ending, and sometimes even thankless. There is nothing you can do for these people and you must protect yourself by cutting these people out of your life. If you don’t they will drain you dry monetarily, mentally, physically, or emotionally. Many of them can’t help it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you can’t fix them.

There are a few people in my life right know who I care deeply about.

This is a good thing to do.

Ok?

It is important to state this first.

and I am powerless to do anything to help.

I am pretty sure that you have already tried to do things and you have done things.

Nobody can say you haven’t.

I don’t tell them that it is affecting me in any way.

Think about other kinds of helpers. Firemen, emergency rescuers, caregivers…

One of their first rules is to protect themselves.Why is that? Because a helper cannot help others anymore when he/she is hurt.

The same for you: protect yourself! Do not get hurt. Pull back in time. Stay sane.

A search term for you is: resilience. It means methods to do stay sane and not get overloaded from such situations. I think you can find tutorials on google/youtube about it.

The serenity prayer can help set your course. You don’t have to be religious to understand it and use it as a tool for your life.

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I had several more paragraphs to say, but I deleted them. The prayer says it all, if you just sit with it for a while.

You’re a fixer, and very empathetic. That’s great, but also dangerous - you’ll burn yourself out trying to fix everything. You’ll have to accept that you can’t fix everything for everybody - in fact by doing so, you’ll be creating new problems. Your mental state will tank, because there is no end to life’s troubles. There will always be a new issue.

The best way to help is to offer it - and if they ask, cheerfully chip in, but otherwise, deal with your own day to day tasks. You can help without “shouldering” thier problems. When I went through tough times, the people I appreciated the most did simple things like go out to dinner or play video games with me. Very simple.

Other people’s problems are not yours, and if you continue having these thoughts, seek a therapist.

Source: have seen many empathetic fixers crash and burn

First of all it’s completely understandable for you to feel frustrated and stressed in a situation like this. You really don’t have the power to fix other people’s problems. Have you ever been to a therapist? The one constant among good therapists is that they don’t give you advice. They don’t tell you what to do. And they don’t try to fix the problems in your life. But they do end up helping you. So what do they know that the rest of us don’t? They know that the best way to help someone is to listen supportively, to validate their feelings, and to give them a chance to think about their life while leaning on the emotional support of someone who cares about them. There’s more but that’s a good start. And if you can do that you really are helping a lot more than you think.

Take as an example, a conversation I had with my wife today (remembered as well as I can). She was in a really bad mood and wasn’t talking with me.
I asked her “what’s got you feeling down today?”
She angrily said she didn’t want to talk with me about it because she knew what I would say and she didn’t want to hear it.
(That, by the way, is a pretty clear hint that someone is not in present time emotionally.)
I said “so you’re saying I’m never supportive of you when you’re upset?”
She said “I’m feeling overworked and stressed. There’s always too much to do. And I know you are just going to say you also have too much to do.”
I said “I did say ‘I feel the same way’ once when you said you could use a day off. But that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate that you’re overworked. I understand. There’s a lot going on right now and it’s hard to keep up.”
She continued talking about how she felt. I continued validating her feelings. And she cheered up and her mood improved.

My point is, “just being there” is code for listening supportively, validating someone’s feelings, and helping them regain the balance they need to address their problems themselves.

Edit: to be clear, I’m no saint. Sometimes I’m the grumpy one and my wife is the paitent one. It works both ways.

Is your life under your own control, all the time? Mine sure isn’t. I’m a person of faith. I believe everything is our destiny, good and bad, for a reason. All is our test, and this world is a test for everyone, including you and your friends.

You are so kind and caring to want to help everyone fix their problems. We are supposed to help each other. But it’s not our responsibility to fix others’ unfixable problems. Heck, we can’t even fix our own. Nothing in this world can fix some of our problems. Only a Higher Power can change it. We just take things one day at a time.

Your friends don’t expect you to come in and fix their problems. You just being there for them is so good. Many people don’t have that. The people around you are fortunate that you care so deeply.

Don’t make other people’s problems your problems.

There is no magic pill, no Silver bullet for complicated problems. Otherwise they wouldn’t be complicated. “Being a friend” is meaningless.

What you should do is ask what you can do to help (even if they answer with “nothing”). Ask what’s wrong, if they start talking ask specific questions so that they don’t just stick with the “I’m good thanks” level. Don’t go and say “I’ve had a similar situation”. Don’t list options or try to solve the problem for them

Tell them it doesn’t bother you if they bother you, so that they don’t hold back just because they want to be a good friend to you.

Now, that is what you should do if you want to help. But if it gets to much mentally for you I still recommend anyone to watch this: Optimistic Nihilism. This Video has helped me see the world in a different way has has made me basically immune to “going crazy” or grieving uncomfortably. I know that this is probably not for everyone, but it was for me.

Suck it up and don’t stand in their way, let them do what’s necessary and mind your own business. That would be my adwise to someone who seems to have the problem to realize that they are not the center of the universe.

I see it at work all the time people thinking that the whole company depends on them and that if they would to resign it would go down. It never does, because once they don’t sit in that spot finally other people can raise to the occasion and do even a better job.

Sounds like you have anxiety.

I’m not saying this is necessarily a good solution for you, but most of the people I know with anxiety smoke weed to deal with it. Might be worth a try, especially since you say therapy is too expensive.

When I feel the way you do, I use metta meditation, also known as loving-kindness meditation. When I do this, I’m not changing the situation at all, but changing how I react to it. It is strange, it is gradual, and it works very well for me.

It helps me both to feel more compassionate for myself to trying to control other people in the situation and to wish good things for the people who are struggling.