Lol why did wife admit it was for abusers? Maybe it was bad communication here but basically In his mind she thought he was a monster and ended up in a catch 22. Even if he accepted it he will think this way in the back of his head. They should have made a bug out bag together if it was for emergencies. If you need a go bag maybe you need to go?

Dude has issue’s. Can’t trust her leave don’t throw this on her.

He used to try & test me, which gave me a lot of stress. Changed up his look without warning to see if I knew it was him, and a lot more. He called it pranks. (He is a jokester.)

So, we broke up. It’s been a lot. He’d been calling/messaging non-stop with both apologies & non-apologies, ‘till I blocked him.

In moments of a lot of emotion I said things like I never wanted to see him again, and he’d reply that he was hurt, that I wouldn’t even know if it was him & I was lucky he wouldn’t do it.

Made me feel icky.

He’s contacted me again yesterday - through a new account - saying he just wants one more face-to-face conversation, if only to give him his stuff that is still at my place & get some closure so we can both move on.

I said my plan was to get a mutual friend to bring it over to him. He was hurt.

He did seem a lot more calm than before & told me we were together for a year, he just wanted one conversation after I suddenly broke things off. That he had some time to process now, etc & that he doesn’t understand how he suddenly - after a year of loving each other - became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him.

But I don’t feel good about it. My gut’s telling me this will not be a good conversation, my worst fears are telling me he might play a trick to prove some point.

WIBTA if I don’t reply anymore/just say no?

Edit: I didn’t expect all these replies. I hope it’s okay I respond like this. Thank you all, really. I think I knew already but somehow started to doubt myself. (The past weeks have been a lot.) I really appreciate & needed these words.

I’m ready for all of this to be over & done with.

Also just a little thank you in general. Reddit’s been a wonderful community & it’s helped me a lot.

Update: AITAH for not giving my ex the closure he’s asking for because he messed with my face blindness? May 11, 2024

EDITORS NOTE: Changed initials to names for easier reading

Here’s my previous post, for who’s interested. (And before.

Hi!

It’s been a wee bit, and since I’m still getting messages about this, I thought I’d just give one big update for this.

So more than a month ago I broke up with my BF because he kept pulling ‘pranks’ involving my face blindness. (I can’t recognise faces & am dependent on other aspects to recognise someone, and even then it’s still confusing.)

After that he’d been bugging me that he wanted to meet up, so we could get some closure. My gut was telling me not to, but I felt guilty.

With you guys’ advice (& my own gut feeling) in mind, I decided not to go. I asked a friend, Roger, to go bring him his stuff & kept him blocked - including blocking the new accounts he’d made.

Roger came back with a letter from him, to me. The letter in itself was v apologetic. He even said he was grateful for our time together & took full responsibility. It ended with him saying he’d respect it if I chose not to reply or message. Honestly, a lot of very respectful words.

I still decided not to get in touch. (Still trying to get over the break-up myself.) But I did appreciate it, till I found out he wasn’t letting go like he said.

Roger & some other mutual friends let me know he was asking them about me A LOT, if I had read the letter, if I was seeing someone else (already?!), and so on.

Couple of days ago he showed up at my place. He was clearly not sober & v upset. He just seemed so broken, so I - stupidly - let him in.

For a while he was just being miserably nice, while I got him water & stuff. But the more sober, the more angry he got.

At that point I messaged basically everyone I knew to come. I didn’t think he’d hurt me, but I didn’t feel comfortable being alone with him regardless.

Among the many accusations of me not even having the decency to reply, that I clearly never cared about him & that I was a horrendous person, he told me ‘I cheated on him & didn’t even know it’ so how could I blame him for not trusting me?

I’m not gonna lie, I was trying to stay calm but failed. (And I know I should have not lost my cool.) I screamed at him, asked him what he was talking about.

Apparently on a night out with him & others, he asked his friend Mike (who knows of my face blindness & has similar characteristics as my ex, part from a v different voice & smell) to ‘swap’ out with him, and kissed me. And I didn’t know.

I don’t know if he’s lying or not. But knowing I was drinking & in a crowded, loud room, I know it’s a possibility. Especially since Mike tried to kiss me another time, though then I immediately realised it was him & lost my shit at him. (When I told my then bf, he was more angry than I had ever seen him, so idk if that time was a ‘plan’ as well or not. Either way Mike is a disgusting human.)

I know it’s ‘just’ a kiss, but it did make me feel sick to my stomach just thinking about how they might have played me.

I told him to get out, he didn’t. Luckily it didn’t take long for some people to arrive & get him out. I’m endlessly grateful for the people I have around me.

I’m staying at my parents’ place now, took a break from work & am looking into therapy. My mom & dad (who got a tattoo years ago just so I would never doubt it’s him) are treating me like a princess & reminding me of the kindness people deserve.

Haven’t looked into a restraining order, but might if it continues.

Thanks to you all for helping me see what’s right in this situation. Reddit has been a wonderful community I am very grateful for. I probably won’t update anymore, as this is over & done with. But I’m glad I got to pour my heart out to y’all.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP’s OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Ugh hope no one has a mark or lea In their life

Update #2: January 21, 2024

Last Post I’ve been receiving some DMs from people asking what happened with Mark. Since the winter break ended, I have returned to college so I haven’t seen him since the day he spoke with me and the other guys. All the information I’ve been receiving about him has thus come from our Whatsapp group or what the other guys have been telling me. I’ve only texted Mark himself twice since then and both instances were about things unrelated to Leah.

However, there are some updates. As of last weekend, Mark confirmed on our group chat that Leah is indeed pregnant. He is excited about “becoming a dad”, also we’ll probably never know if the child is his or Derek’s since Mark has rejected the idea of a paternity test and asked us to not bring it up again. However, my friends told me that they are fairly certain the kid’s Derek’s based on the timeline.

Mark and Leah are still living with his parents and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. Mark works part-time in addition to taking some online courses at a college. Therefore, he and Leah are still largely being supported by his parents. Mark did message us telling us that his parents did argue with him a bit, but he managed to convince them to keep Leah and a child with them. He also told us that Leah told him that she preferred staying with him instead of going back home to her mom. It’s only speculation, but some of the other guys and I assume that Mark may threatened no contact with his own parents if they don’t accept Leah and the kid since he hinted at that during our last conversation.

Mark has also been trying to convince Leah to go into therapy but so far she has refused all of his persuasions. On the bright side, Mark has told us Leah is no longer interested in open relationships (possibly due to her fallout with Derek) and is dedicated to only him.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Black_Pearl47 Leah probably tried to convince Derek to stay with her and take over the baby and he refused and the only one left was Mark.

I hope she realizes that Mark is a good person who is willing to cut off contact with his own parents to stay with her and the child even though it might not be his and starts to value him.

On the other hand my fear is that she find someone else who is in a better situation than mark and who is willing to take it on with a child and she abandons mark again.

And the part where Leah no longer wants an open relationship I think is due to the fact that Mark regains consciousness and leaves her and the son, I hope I’m wrong and that Leah has in fact changed and become a better person.

OOP Honestly, I’ve been slowly distancing myself from the guy so I’m not sure which direction he plans on going. That being said, he has reiterated that who the kid’s biological father is means nothing to him as he plans on raising it as his own

----NEW UPDATE---- Update #3 (rareddit): May 11, 2024 (4 months later)

It’s been a while since my last post, mainly this is because I’ve had very little communication with Mark and have been focused on my studies. Now that I’m home for summer vacation, I was able to catch up on all the Mark bs.

Firstly, Mark and Leah got married. It was a very small, town hall-type wedding just to get a marriage certificate. This happened about a month and a half ago.

Since then, Mark has become a complete POS. He regularly fights with his step-mom and dad since he thinks they make Leah feel “unwelcomed”. It got so bad that they had Mark and Leah move out to an apartment on the other side of town. They give them about 2k a month to cover their living expenses and Mark works part-time to cover everything else they need.

Since getting married, all Mark ever posts on our group chat is how amazing Leah is, and how wrong we were for trying to get him to leave. Tbh, I find it so annoying, that I’ve put the group on mute. Some of the other guys and I have since made another group chat with everyone except Mark in it because we are all tired of his bs.

Mark has also started treating some of the other guys in the group like shit. This one guy, Alan, helped Mark and Leah move to the apartment and then Mark started accusing him of trying to make a move on pregnant Leah 🤢. Alan of course denied it, but Mark still accuses him from time to time. It is so uncalled for, tbh it ruined the entire group’s opinion of Mark.

A few days ago, when I got back home from school, I decided to drop in and see Mark in person. He was chill but then started going about how he again thought Alan was trying to move in on Leah. It was awkward, I told him he was imagining it and nobody aside from him would want Leah, he kinda jokingly kinda seriously called me a dick and I haven’t spoken to him since then. Thank God Leah wasn’t home at the time because I didn’t want to see her.

Ngl, myself and the other guys sometimes joke that “Dereck” needs to come back and set Mark straight again. But on a serious note, I have decided to no longer have ANY contact with Mark, and if I post in the future again about trying to build up a relationship with him or interacting with him in any way I’ll be a hypocrite, a lying POS.

Leah is now very noticeably pregnant. Mark told us that the doctor told them that the due date is probably going to be in mid-August.

Nobody has heard of Derek, but rumour has it Leah tried to contact him again a few times though he ghosted her when he found out about the pregnancy.

Honestly, I think my life will be a lot simpler when I drop Mark and his family out of my life, most of our other friends group is doing this and I’ll encourage those on the fence to do the same.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

You can feel the hate between them.

Marcus you’re an asshole. You’ve been an asshole since day one. Just admit you’re not the guy who can give her what she needs and move the fuck on and leave us alone.

~

MHH370

Hey u/Scaredoflove11 did you really make a fuss because you wanted the bridemaid’s dress to be ivory instead of purple?

Also u/Roeapparently did you really make your fiance cancel sleepovers because it made you uncomfortable?

Roeapparently

No. I never made Em cancel anything. I’m fine with her having sleepovers. Izzy wanted to do it at our apartment and kept begging Em to have me sleep on the couch so I wouldn’t ruin “girls night”. For the record, Em shut it down not me. She’s capable of making her own decisions, I trust her to set her boundaries. If I came off as uncomfortable, Izzy never mentioned it till now

ImissBagels

Does Em even still want Izzy there? Because Izzy is sounding more and more unhinged. How did she try to steal your bday present to Izzy?

Roeapparently

Em still wants Izzy there. they’ve been friends for years. I won’t make her kick her out, but I’m starting to reach the point where I want it. And no she didn’t steal it. She claimed she purchased the gift cause “i was too poor to afford it”. It was a rather expensive purse Em eyed once while shopping but couldn’t get at the time, so I saved for it.

FINAL COMMENT BY u/Roeapparently

You’re proving my point. I’m not gonna argue over Reddit anymore over this, especially if you’re gonna talk about my parents like that when you know full well why they aren’t rich. Either message us in private or drop it all together. If this is how you really feel, don’t bother coming to the wedding.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP’s OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I would have forgiven him too but not without kick to balls.

As we waited Kathy did her best to answer some of the questions that I had, I knew Nate lost his mom at a young age to breast cancer but she said it had deeply profound effect on him and he became a very troubled child, she said that when him and Ashley met that Nate was in a group home(I did not know this)because he was in a lot of trouble for fighting and drug use(he was 12!) I was kind of taken back by this because I’ve never know him to do anything besides smoke marijuana from time to time, he doesn’t even drink. She said that when they met Ashley immediately took on a role of protector of him, she could feel his pain and she wanted to rescue him from it, when they finally got to know him they decided that they would take Nate in if he wanted that once he was was out of the group home, when he was 16 he finally got out of the group home but was still on probation so he had to live with his dad who was a alcoholic and abusive but he would spend most evenings and weekends at their house, he still got in trouble because he kept failing his U.A. for marijuana but he was no longer getting into fights, he credited Ashley for that and felt like she and her family were the only people besides his mom to ever show him any compassion or love. She asked if I would like to see pictures of them and when she showed me the picture of Nate holding his son for the first time I broke down, because I have never seen him in the six years we have been together with a smile like that, he was so happy, he smiles now from time to time and he is always laughing but I’ve never seen that smile, that gleam. it just broke me to know that he had been living in that much pain for 15+ years and hid it from everyone. We looked through more pictures and she told more stories. and spoke of how sad she was when he left, we talked for hours and then finally her husband came through the doo but Nate was not with him.

George(Kathy’s husband) said that he had found Nate where he was supposed to be and explained that my sister and I were at their house waiting for him. He said when he told him this that Nate laughed and said of course, and that he would head back, he just needed a few more minutes alone.

so we waited for what felt like forever and finally a little over two hours after George arrived back, Nate walked in the front door. He looked at me and the first words out of his mouth were “I should have known my note wouldn’t be good enough and that you would come find me, I love you and I am very sorry” I said what note! and he said the one I put in you front seat, he put in my car! I never even thought to check there for anything.

I am going to leave out a lot of this next part because its very personal but I asked him why he would just leave me at the airport and why he wouldn’t just call or text me that he was leaving. He said that while I was gone, he wanted to put some of the things that we had gotten for the baby in the nursey and start painting it before I got back and that everything was fine until he started putting together the dresser and the changing station, while he was doing that he was flooded with memories of his son and Ashley and that it actually knocked him off his feet and he broke down, he said every time he closed his eyes he saw them(that’s why he couldn’t sleep) he said he deiced to take mushrooms to try and help get him out of it(what!) but all that did was make things worse and he realized that he needed to not forget them and not hide them and that he needed to go make peace with them and ask them to forgive him for abandoning their memory. He knew that when I got home that I would obviously know something wasn’t right with him and he also didn’t know how to tell me he had been hiding a huge part of his past, anyway he expressed how sorry he was and that he understood if all of this was to much and if I didn’t want to be with him anymore that he would completely understand. I let him know that as long as he agreed to never hide something from me or disappear again and would agree to go to therapy and couples therapy that I wouldn’t be going anywhere. He promised he would do whatever I asked of him. I asked him to fly back with me and my sister called her husband to fly in and they would drive his car back. So we are back home now, he hasn’t started therapy yet but has an appointment next week.

Our baby is doing ok and so am I, I just need him to be ok and everything will be good again, anyway thank you again to all the kind hearts who reached out, you gave me a lot of positive vibes in a dark time and I really cant thank you enough for that.

A reminder to not comment on Original Posts. See rule 7.

Noo she’s not crazy. Dude should have looked into how to restore it instead of this. Like did these ppl throwing other people stuff drink too much lead? Least that other women in a different story put it in a box.

After I established the curfew, Mia tried different ways to make me change my mind. She’d talk about not being able to cancel her tickets for Party X, or about the fun her friends had at Party Y. She’d show me her “developing” LinkedIn profile, and tell me she had learned her lesson and would be more responsible.

At first, I really didn’t want to have to kick her out (which many of you suggested), but I have limits. A few days ago, I heard her complaining to her friends on the phone about her “bitch of a sister” who wouldn’t let her do anything.

Later that day, I asked her which of our parents she planned on moving in with. Cue more fighting.

I managed to tell her that I had no obligation to continue housing her (for free!) if she couldn’t respect my family. Mia could either move back in with our parents or continue living with me for the low price of respecting my infant son and stop complaining about it.

We did have a very productive conversation afterwards. I managed to get a lot off my chest, as did my sister. Mia apologized for everything. She admitted she’d been selfish, promised she’d make efforts to change and mature.

I’m a strong believer that people can change, which is why I’m not kicking her out right now. But I made it very clear that Mia is on thin ice, and the next time she does anything like this will be the last time she ever sees the inside of my home.

The curfew will continue until the end of the semester, as originally planned. My father also agreed to pay for Mia to go back to therapy. It helped her a lot when she was younger, so I’m hopeful about the future of this living situation.

I also want to thank those who suggested a white noise machine. My son is not a light sleeper, the keypad is just very loud and startles him awake, but my fiancé and I are still looking into getting one. Anything that helps our baby sleep better is welcome.

Thank you, Reddit!

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: The fact that she’d rather wake a sleeping infant than go through her purse is just… Selfish and lazy is too weak a descriptor for that. Also the idea that you, not her, is keeping her from doing stuff… Mind boggling!

I’m really happy that she’s in therapy 'cause that shit aint normal. Did your parents never allow her to suffer any consequences for her actions as you were growing up? And/or is she incredibly stupid?

OOP: She did suffer consequences, but Mia never liked hearing the word “no”, specially from me. I wouldn’t even call her lazy, she just genuinely doesn’t think about anyone else. If it’s a minor inconvenience to her, she probably won’t do it. That’s why I’m so glad she’s returning to therapy

Commenter: You realize that this summer will be her “hot girl era “ and she will still be her. But kudos for second chances

OOP: I live in the Southern Hemisphere. Summer starts in December, and we’ll all be traveling for the holidays. But I don’t think she’d want to stay with us during the Summer anyway.

Commenter: You should’ve kick her out that night,why are you being so nice??? That’s not gonna help you or son.And lives rent free she would of been out so fast.

OOP: I’m being nice exclusively because Mia is going back to therapy, which was very helpful before she quit.

And I do believe things will get better. My sister is smart enough to understand that the extra time it would take for her to get to class if she moved back in with one of our parents is WAY more of an inconvenience than just using her key.

But this is her last chance. If she ever tries anything like this again, she’s out.

Editor’s note: OOP titled her the final update as her “last update,” so I marked it as

Wtf is this escalation? Bro feels shame because he’s not doing enough and blames his wife? Dude something. Why do women marry these men?

Update Post 2: May 10, 2024

For all of you who wanted to know what his mother’s reaction was, she yelled at him and he made that my problem. The things he’s messaged me are vile. And even though MIL was mad at him and KNOWS what he’s been saying to me, she still insisted that I go visit him face to face so we can work things out.

I don’t really blame her. He’s her son, of course she’d still want to help him, but still…With all the ways he’s been threatening me and cussing me out, I really didnt want to see him, but I decided to go. Mostly because I needed the stuff that I left at our house.

I went with my sister for safety, obviously. We got there and he played with our baby, he offered to feed her (she wasn’t hungry), just acting completely different from the man texting me about how much of a “heartless bitch” I am. I didn’t really feel comfortable having him near me or the baby with how violent his texts were, but she’s still his baby. I don’t think the courts would favour him after I show his texts, but I thought I should rather be safe and allow him some form of contact before going to court. This was a mistake.

At the end of the visit, I decided I should go pack my stuff, since that was one of the only reason I agreed to come. But, I didn’t feel comfortable not being there while he had my baby. Yeah, my sister was there and I trust her, but I’d rather watch her with my own eyes. So, my sister went upstairs to pack for me. As soon as she was gone, he started talking about “See? I’m good now I can take care of her.” And other stuff but that wasn’t the problem. Even if he became super dad, I wouldn’t be able to see him the same. Not after all those messages he sent me.

I told him that and he got pissed at me. I was getting worried since my daughter was still in his arms, so I tried to deescalate his feelings. It didn’t work and he started yelling at me for “being heartless” and “stubborn” and whatnot. I wasn’t really focused on what he was saying, I was focused on my baby. I tried to reach out for her and he shoved me hard enough to fall back. My sister came down and tried to help, but he shoved her away too and ran to the guest room and locked himself and MY BABY in there. He refused to come out unless my sister left and i stayed behind. I can’t tell y’all how scary it is to not know what’s happening to your child.

It took officers almost 30 minutes to get him out, which pissed me off. Like I know they were probably trying to assess the danger or whatever but I just wanted my baby. In that 30 minute window he could’ve shaken her or threw her out the window or something and they were there asking him to come out like he was a child and not breaking down the door. She was fine, though, so I can’t be too mad.

They didn’t arrest him since “no harm was done” even though my sister and I have bruises to prove otherwise, but they held him outside while I packed my stuff. It actually bothers me that they didn’t at least detain him, but there’s not much I can do about it now. I don’t think I’m going to go near him again. Not with my baby. I’m thinking of going to apply for that emergency custody thing yall were talking about.

This happened on Wednesday and I’m still shaken. It’s really depressing, for a lack of better word, seeing how much he’s changed. I really loved him and I felt he loved me too. How he’s acting is crushing me. I feel deflated. My baby girl and my sister are really the only things keeping me going right now.

I’m sorry for the wall of text, it’s just that texting this all out helps me feel better. But, I don’t think I want to continue updating. Just know that we’re splitting up. Thank you all for your support!!

Extra: after visiting the doctor, I’ve decided to just skip the hassle and formula feed. She seems happier with formula anyways.

*****New Update Post: May 9, 2024 (3 weeks later, 1+ months from OG post)*****

Final Update : Hi again! y’all ask for an update. Here you go :

*My ex-h : Earlier in the week, he asked if he could come by,saying that he had something important to tell me. He told me that last friday Melissa junior got into trouble at school for cursing at a girl.

Long story short : he confessed his fellings to a girl (the niece of the director), she rejected him. Apparently, he started shouting insults at her that no 6-year-old should know, let alone say. Because of this incident and our daughter’s situation he decided to divorce Melissa. She would be served the divorce papers next week. He is also going to pay Melissa in therapy because he still wants her to have a relationship with their son.

We (ex-h,daughter,me) will also be attending family therapy together.

*My daughter : She is happier now, and that’s the only thing that matters to me. For the summer I am going to take her to Japan to see my side of the family !

Brooke, if one day you read this, mama loves you more than anything. I am sorry for seeing everything earlier. I love you!!!

Precision 3 :

I am still going for full custody of my daughter with visitation the week-end. If and only IF Melissa junior’s behaviour improves, I will let him and my daughter interact. He (my ex) is going for full custody of his son. I still don’t trust my ex-h. I am keeping my eyes on him, and how he will raise my daughter. I don’t know why people would assume that I am going to nice with him. Am I polite? Yes. Nice? No. I am not going for more custody because he wants his son. Because he recently got a promotion so works more. He doesn’t have the time to take care of our daughter on the week days so I take her. Someone asked me our races (for some reason??). I am Japanese, like my ex-h, and Melissa is white (French). Like I said I am Japanese but was raised in France so French is my first language, than Japanese, than English (sorry for any mistakes) Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Just a question , when it was 50/50 why not your time it’s a bday party for your side and on his time he can do that . I know it’s harder for thanksgiving and Xmas just the schedule can be worked out.

OOP: We decided to host the party at my place, inviting both sides of the family. I live in a house, whereas he and Melissa lived in an apartment. If she is with me at Thanksgiving, she would be with him at Christmas, and vice versa.

Commenter: v glad that op’s daughter is now safe, but ngl i am worried about op’s ex’s son - it’s honestly kind of disturbing that he knows those insults & i’m concerned about what m (or mb others in his life) are teaching him. hopefully op’s ex gets full custody and things improve.

OOP: Yeah… I don’t know what he heard his mother say, but a 6-year-old saying that a girl is being “heartless b-word” or a “W word” is VERY disturbing

----NEW UPDATE---- Update #2: May 10, 2024

This has probably been the worst month of my life in years. Sorry to the mod for so many posts.

I’m going to start with the minor stuff that’s been happening or whatever because my head just feels like a brick. I got a promotion I’d been aiming for before everything. My boss did tell me I had already got it before this all happened and it was held off on announcing so I could have time to process before I had to adjust to the new job requirements. I couldn’t even feel proud. I know a month ago I would have but I feel numb. I’m working a lot more hours now than normal, usually about 6am to 7pm, give or take. Paycheck looks nice I guess. My dad keeps telling me I need to work less, so does my brother, but my job is one that engages my mind enough that I’m nearly brain dead by the time I’m home which is nice.

I’m non-binary and prefer they/them pronouns but she/her are not offensive. Realized belatedly that people were calling me that.

I started drinking more than usual. After blacking out one night I let my dad take it all and I haven’t bought more. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten blackout before so it’s terrifying to hear about the night but have barely any recollection of it.

About my sister: My mother finally responded to my brother, and according to him she was a wreck. All tears. All apologies. All “You have to understand!”

There must be something wrong with me because I look at her and I want to hurt her. I want to break her heart, I want to make a spectacle of her disgusting behavior, I want to ruin her life. I think part of me recognizes that’s why I’m not so overly cautious about details, but at the same time I can’t do it. The rational part of my mind kicks in and I realize that it wouldn’t do anything but make it worse. I’d just feel guilty and sick after the brief moment of satisfaction. But then I think to myself, “So how and why could you do that to us? For years?”

Her and my brother had a much better relationship than her and I ever did. She still did that to him. Like yeah, Dad and her never got better after the divorce, and after the affair they struggled with even coparenting for a multitude of reasons. Her and I have had our issues. But the bond between her and my brother has always been strong, or at least used to be, and she did it to HIM of all people.

She tried telling my brother that she did it impulsively, in a fit of pique, but when he pressured her about why she was the one to volunteer to handle filling the necklaces, she said that it was because she was okay with it at first but then when she saw the ashes, she didn’t want to “destroy” her further. Her word, there. Destroyed. Like the relationship between her living children? Like our trust in her? Like the memorial we agreed upon for my sister? I don’t know how to feel. If I even trust her story. But her wording makes me feel like it was planned. God yet again it becomes an accidental revelation, where she tried to uphold a lie but got caught and that’s how the truth came to light.

I managed to talk to the funeral director. My sister’s fingerprints are part of their records. I’m going to get her touch tattooed, but I found a means of getting that on a necklace so my brother and dad can have that if they don’t want a tattoo. Still struggling to get in contact with the owners of the cemetery. A lot of unanswered emails and voicemails. I’ve also been looking for therapists and counselors in my area, or ones doing telehealth. I have an appointment upcoming but I’m nervous.

My stepfather has stepped back. He set a boundary that he won’t talk to us until we agree to discuss this without “blaming anyone” and anytime the conversation starts going toward asking about motive or who knew what and when, he says the conversation needs to end. He’s even hung up on us before and threatened the cops on me, even implying it’d be deserved after I did the same to my mother.

EDIT: I tried Findagrave and she’s not there, same for my mother and step dad.

Editor’s Note: findagrave is a website for the world’s largest gravesite collection which allows people to find their loved ones’ burial sites all over the world.

Top Comments

Responsible-End7361: Suggest you tell stepdad “OK, fine. But my mother better not try to contact me in any way for anything else until the ashes issue is fully resolved, so tell her she is now down 2 kids, maybe 3.”

Magerimoje: Regarding contacting the cemetery -

Leave a voicemail saying you want to purchase a plot. If anyone listens to the voicemail, they’ll usually call back ASAP for a sale. When they call back, tell them you want to purchase a plot near your parents and give your mom & step dad’s names and ask what their plot numbers are. Once you have the plot numbers,hang up and block their number so they can’t keep calling trying to sell you shit you definitely do not want. But that might get the info faster. This is how I found the location of my infant cousin.

Also, some cemeteries have plot numbers and location maps online now. Worth checking.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

So sad. The feeling of betrayal would need to be resolved with him working his ass off.

Update 2 Update: I (M18) found out I’m adopted through one of those at home DNA kits. I’ve matched with my biological mom (F33), but now I don’t know what to do. Do I message her or just pretend that this never happened? What do I say? - 8 May 2024

Hey people,

A lot has happened to me since my last post here, and before I start to explain I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented/replied to my OP. It was really helpful and I truly appreciate it. For full context read the other posts on my profile which discuss this situation further.

First things first, I decided to turn my profile private/invisible. I didn’t want my biological mom (BM) to see that I had done a DNA test as an invitation to message me. I looked at her profile one last time and it still said “last online 6 months ago” or something like that, so she obviously doesn’t check the app regularly. I wrote down information about her (first and last name, birth year, ‘past’ family names) in case in the future I lose access to the account or if I want to try to track her down and her account disappeared. Though I am hoping that if I do decide to have contact with her in the future, I will just be able to message her on the app. But just in case.

I “confronted” my parents about what I had found out, there was a lot of crying. Especially from my mom, but also from me. I told them how hurt I was that they never told me, and how much it has caused pain and anxiety to find this out on my own and feeling like I was unable to ask them about it.

They apologised to me, they explained to me that they wanted to tell me. They planned on doing it when I turned 8, but they ‘couldn’t go through with it’ because they ‘didn’t want to hurt me’. They said every year they planned to tell me and every year they put it off. They told me they did it out of love for me, but also out of anxiety that it would change our relationship for the worse.

I explained to them that even if them telling me that I was adopted did hurt me as a child I would have had them there to support me through it. And that now I had found out on my own and felt like I didn’t have anyone there to understand what I was going through. They took responsibility for not telling me and for the hurt it caused when I was now.

We hugged, we cried and we forgave each other. Even though I don’t agree with them not telling me, I can understand their feelings and why they found it so difficult when I was younger.

After we had finished talking about it they asked me what I wanted moving forward, if I wanted to tell my brothers that I was adopted or just carrying on like nothing happened. I said I no longer wanted it to be a secret and that I wanted them to tell my brothers what they should have told me. I didn’t want it to seem like a ‘dirty’ secret, but simply a fact of who I am and where I came from. I want it to be something celebrated, not feared to be talked about. I wasn’t born into this family, but this is my family. And I feel so blessed that I was given the opportunity to become part of this family.

I asked what they knew about my BM, they said not much. They know that she was in foster care when she fell pregnant with me, and that she would have only been 14/15 at the time. She decided she didn’t want to keep me but didn’t want to have a termination and so I was put up for adoption and that she requested ‘no contact’ with me. I hope that the situation around my birth wasn’t traumatic for her. I know this is a weird thought, but I hope she just got pregnant with me from another person her own age and that I wasn’t a product of any abuse. That makes me sad to think about.

Sorry for the long post. Again thank you all for the help and advice you all gave me. I appreciate everything.

TL;DR: Made profile private to avoid contact from biological mom. Confronted parents about adoption, led to tears and apologies. They planned to tell me but couldn’t. Agreed to tell brothers, no longer want adoption to be a secret. Grateful for my family. Biological mom was in foster care, gave me up for adoption at 14/15, requested no contact. Hopeful for her well-being. Grateful for support and advice.

END OF POST 3

Reminder, I am NOT OOP, please do NOT comment on original threads or contact OOP.

Man a kid must have been an afterthought for these people. So sad.

Lol ppl in her life should have said something. Sure OP has some blame here but Mom did nothing. See something say something.

RevolutionaryHat8988: I want to hug Rob. We all need a Rob in our lives.

Deleted Commenter: You’re almost 30 and needed all of this pointed out to you?

You made multiple conscious choices to exclude Rob from your wedding and only cared after you brought up an issue with your insurance: another thing he helped to pay for.

At your age you should know that choices have consequences.

I’m not sure there is anything you can do to make up for the choices you made.

Update May 9, 2024

First, I want to say some things before posting:

No, I am not Linda, my biological father isnt dying. Got a DM in here asking.

My sister is mostly just sad, not really mad at me. Just said she understood my situation but it still was really shitty seeing her father taken for granted and sad.

My mother is the person most pissed off at me at the moment. She is the only one that still does not talk to me. I mean she does, but not really.

For the people saying my husband and mother were idiots for not talking to me before: they agree and have told me this. My husband specially. Im not trying to shift blame here, just saying this for the people that talked about it

I was not going to post anything else on here. Not a fan of being called names and for people to keep saying that Rob should leave our family. Although Im well aware that I deserve most of everything that was said about me. The coments saying “the apple doesnt fall far from the tree” in regaards to me and my biological father were the ones that hurt the most as it is a fear of mine and the reason I dont drink much and dont use any drugs or anything that could be addictive. But seing how there are other things that could make us more similar than I realised is really frightening.

The day I posted here, my mom told me Rob wanted to speak to me and to go to their home after work. I went and waited for Rob to arrive. When he did my mom left us alone and he started off by saying that he was hurt by what I did at the wedding, that he knows he is not my father and that he would never try to force that on me, but that he at least thought he had some sort of importance in my life and seeing me just not give him any importance apart from talking to him when I need help with something made him realise that I do not view him the he thought I did.

At this point I was already crying so much that I couldnt even talk. I waited for him to finish and when he did I just told basically what you all saw in the post. That I fucked up bad, that I was incosiderate, that he is one of the most importante people in my life and that what I did was unforgivable.

The only reason I am posting it here is because of something during the conversation. He said something about my time at college and I went “but that was because…” and stoped. He asked me “what? because of what” I just said “nothing, you are right, that was my fault and I should have done better”.

He was pretty angry at that point and he started to smile and we talked about me taking responsibility for my actions. Its something I am terrible at, it was an issue at my old job and since then I have been trying to be better at it but not very successfuly. He asked what changed and I told him about the post. Multiple people in the comments said that I dont take responsibility and yes, they read right through me. I showed it to him and reading the post calmed him down.

And no, he did not read the comments, just the ones I showed it to him, I would not let him see what some of you were saying about my mom.

So yes, he told me if I was going to say something else to thank you people for calling me out for not taking responsibility.

We talked about a lot of other things not related to the wedding. At the end I just told him that there were 2 things I wanted to say for him to take away from this conversation: I really did mean it when I was in HS and said that I wished he was my dad. Even now, with my biological dad in my life. I still feel that way. And the second thing is that I know that it will be hard for him to belive it right now because of what happened, but I will try to prove it to him for as long as it takes.

For those interested, I`ve been going to a therapist with my biological father once every 2 weeks since he came back, but I think I need one for myself so I will try to make it happen soon.

I want to thank 3 particular commenters that helped me.

The person that told me to take it slow with Rob and dmed me to stop looking at the thread cause I was spiraling.

The one that said: “People fuck up. Sometimes badly. But in a loving and caring family it’s never the end of things as long as you are willing to own your mistakes.”

And most importantly the best comment that was fair and gave me the right advice: “You are a spoilt, selfish, childish person. I don’t know that rob will forgive you but you can’t simply wait to see if he does. Write him a letter in which you fully own up to your awful behaviour. Do not say “I wish someone had stopped me” - that isn’t taking accountability for the way you treat people. With him and your mom paying for your wedding and your in laws paying for your house - you need to grow up and reflect very seriously on how you interact with everyone around you.”

I guess the post served as the letter in the scenario, thank you, that was the slap in the face I needed to realise that I need to do a lot of work to improve myself and that the wedding was not its own thing, it was a reflection of who I am right now and I dont like what I see when I look in the mirror. Also, Rob more or less told me something similar, just not as a agressive, so this comment made me take his words as not him atacking me, but trying to help me understand my flaws.

Im not sure how I will make up for this. Rob is telling me that over time, just me being how I was before my biological father showed up will be enough for him. I dont doubt him but its not enough for me. I will live with what I did for the rest of my life. I will always remember.

The way I am now I actually need people to call me out for this kinds of things and its not fair to them. I will work on it, I have to. I will try my hardest to not ever hurt anyone I love this way again. Thankfully now I have someone in my husband to help me do that and call me out if needed. Thank you.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP