In the last year or so I started to see so many people of my age that have done truly incredible things and still doing more.
For the vast majority of my life my only goals were gettimg academic satisfaction and doing unproductive stuff in the free time to get temporary pleasure. No end goal whatsoever.
I kind of don’t know what I’ve been doing in the last 17 years while someone gets a patent on solar systems, other invents a new recyclable plastic, and another found a successful startup. I mean, they all find what they’re supposed to be doing with their lives and excel in them.
I feel overwhelmed for trying to pace up with these kind of people. Yet I don’t like the way the things are and I can’t do anything but envy those people.
Anyone with experience in this regard? How did you deal with this? Did you eventually “pace up” with these people or was it too late or an unattainable goal?
Edit: Whoops, I didn’t expect so many replies! Thanks, I’ll look into them all
The best way to be miserable in life is to compare yourself to others. Just do your best, thats all that matters
I’m really trying to not make this a way to mess up with my mental state, but instead a search on how to achieve the best of myself. I just want to know how these people are waking up in the morning and do the stuff they do.
Some people are just wired differently, those people are programmed in a way that just so happens to be congruent with our society. It’s not that something is wrong with you, it’s just that society is “more right” for them.
It’s also worth mentioning that I’ve been on the other side of this fence. It’s something that can be learned with time and dedication. If you feel like your life is unfulfilling and you want to change, you are never locked into the life you have right now.
one of my psychologist friends said a long time ago “if you don’t keep improving yourself, then what’s the point in living”.
you’re clearly already taking steps on self-improvement and personal introspection, which is probably one of the hardest things a human can do.
honestly you’re already kicking goals if you try and be a better person each day. No one can ask more of you.
Man, that doesn’t resonate with me at all. I don’t think there is any point to living other than just enjoying your time here. Sure, work when necessary to be able to afford the necessities, develop some skills to be able to afford a few luxuries, but honestly just do things that make you happy. Self-improvement as a reason to live seems awful. If you’re unable to improve, are you a failure? If you’re already happy as you are, should you just end it?
it depends on what you consider self-improvement to be
This is the core. I improve every day; part of that is by still not being dead.
Some people measure improvement by monetary wealth; some by fame, some by influence, some by personal happiness.
The key is to figure out what YOU value instead of measuring your improvement by someone else’s scale.
Living like that sounds very harmful to ones mental health. Sometimes people can’t improve despite trying and trying, and being told there’s no point in living without improvement would just help people that are already depressed justify their thoughts on not being alive any more.
the comment isn’t literal. it was an off handed way of saying that it is beneficial to try and improve oneself to get the most out of life.
i perhaps shouldn’t have qualified his profession because this was a conversation over beers, not his place of work.
A bit of a scale issue. You’re seeing the top 0.001% of people. And they derive some kind of pleasure from their passions (probably) and are really specifically wired to chase this thing. It’s ok to be mortal. The only thing you should excel at is being you and finding satisfaction in your own life. For every person with a world changing invention, or what have you, there are millions of people just living, and that’s ok.
Just remember that because the face you see is always smiling doesn’t mean they truly enjoy their life. For all you know they’re so burned out and miserable, over the stress, and would kill to go back to a less stressful life.
We all have a tendency to see the grass as greener on the other side.
I think some people just have different perspectives on life, different motivations. As an elderly millennial I empathize with you OP, I’ve felt much the same myself. I’m coming to terms with the fact that some people are just really focused and ambitious, while others (like me), really aren’t - and that’s perfectly okay.
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This is such a short-sighted take. My wife was prom queen… 3 years before I met her. I forgot about it completely until I read your post and thought, “what a childish thing to say, no one cares about that.” Why? Because I have 20 years of history with my wife. 2 children, a good job, a good life, and a happy family. Exactly 0% of that has anything to do with a prom that happened years before we met.
I want to live a long and happy life, and have as many days as possible with my wife, my children, and maybe their children (if they decide to have any). The things that worry me aren’t whether or not I’m having sex with a former prom queen, but how can I stay healthy so I can have a chance to make as many memories with the people I love as possible. It’s about whether or not they feel loved, accepted, and fulfilled. High school popularity has no value whatsoever to healthy, adjusted adults.
Have you ever heard of a metaphor?
We know what metaphors are, it’s just a really bad one.
Can we not do the whole “women are objects to be ranked based on physical appearance only and fought over as prizes” thing, please? That prom queen has agency of her own-- who’s to say she’s even into the “winner”, let alone that their personalities are in any way compatible? Maybe (assuming she’s interested in men and looking for a relationship) she’d rather be with a guy who isn’t hypercompetitive, who’s more laid back and easygoing?
Which brings me to the other problem with your metaphor: what’s “winning”? Someone could be doing well by society’s metrics and be miserable, because their current lifestyle isn’t the right fit for them. Someone else could be a total failure by society’s metrics, but perfectly content with their life the way it is. Who’s the real winner there? (Spoiler alert: it’s the second person).
I don’t know; can we not do the whole “unduly overreacting to the use of metaphor” thing, please? Honestly, your comment sounds exactly like something from a ChatGPT bot.
Tell ya what: don’t use a sexist metaphor next time, and I promise not to overreact. ;)
Sorry I didn’t put a ton of brainpower into spicing up the wording of a throwaway comment on an anonymous message board I wrote at near-midnight my time.
I’ve improved my life quite a lot but it’s hard to give advice to others.
The comparison mindset is really bad though. It literally doesn’t matter what another monkey on this planet does. Your thoughts about how to improve your life are ones you have to discuss with yourself (maybe guided by a therapist). There is no wrong way to live but you have to make the choice on how you want to.
I know this might be dangerous to think about but I don’t feel good about what I have done myself without any guidance in the past. Like, not at all. I want to take advantage of many opportunities around me and be the best of myself. I’ve been taking some steps especially since last year but I think I’m still missing the main idea.
I could say I haven’t really defined a “purpose” in my life, but I can see these kind of people are definitely somewhere close to what I might want to head towards.Being the best “yourself” you can be is definitely a good goal to have.
However, it doesn’t really sound like you’re trying to be the best “yourself”. You’re looking around you and see these other people doing stuff. Would you ever have arrived at these conclusions yourself if you had never seen these “successful” people around you?
You’re seeing what is theoretically possible if your life was set up in another way i.e. you were a different person. But you’re not. All these people you’re seeing around you had very specific upbringing, opportunities, genetics etc etc all of which you’re not privy to.
Everyone theoretically wants to have had a successful company. Or wants to have had a groundbreaking discovery. Or whatever. But very very few people actually do these things, even if they try hard, mostly those things happen because circumstances in some way set themselves up for these people.
Of course you have to work towards these kind of things to have any chance at them. But that’s the thing, those people actually wanted to do those things more than pretty much anything else very early in life. That wasn’t because they are just better people, no, it was just because probably their parents or something else instilled some sense of need for specific achievement within them. You didn’t get that, so you didn’t do these things.
We’re entering very philosophical territory. Let me give you some more food for thought.
As perspective, 99% of people never do anything like the stuff you mentioned in their life. And many of these people live a very content and happy life. Are 99% of people wasting their life? Only the ones that aren’t content?
What is the end result of, for example, having an amazing startup? How will your life look like, if you do or do not have that, in 10 years? 50 years? 100 years? 1000 years? 10 million years?
Is it of utmost importance that you have had (something like) a successful startup before you die? What if you’re one of those 99% that chase it but never reach it? What if you had not “wasted” your life like you say, but still failed at achieving your goal? It’s very normal for that to happen.
For me personally, I know that I’m not great at anything much. I have achieved nothing noteworthy. I have no real goals I need to achieve. My only real goal is to be as morally good a person as I can be. I have not a lot of money. I have no family.
Yet I am perfectly happy. I think that it’s absolutely irrelevant what exactly I do with my life. I do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it, and if I don’t, that’s fine as well. Life does not have a goal state.Would you ever have arrived at these conclusions yourself if you had never seen these “successful” people around you?
I wasn’t really content with my life in general when I didn’t start to hear about the successful people either. I mean, it’s pretty rare to see I am content with myself in general. But if I didn’t hear about them I’d assume that’s just what it is I guess
You’re seeing what is theoretically possible if your life was set up in another way i.e. you were a different person. But you’re not. All these people you’re seeing around you had very specific upbringing, opportunities, genetics etc etc all of which you’re not privy to.
Honestly it was perfectly possible I could go back in time and just not mess up some things and be perfectly close to whatever people I envy on. I could count not-so-hard-to-miss mistakes and it’d take forever to finish. I didn’t really miss anything that others had, perhaps some guidance. But I think it is up to me to guide myself. Like, it’s not like my parents are supposed to guide me for everything, nor teachers or friends etc. So I consider being unguided as a “me problem” as well
As perspective, 99% of people never do anything like the stuff you mentioned in their life. And many of these people live a very content and happy life. Are 99% of people wasting their life? Only the ones that aren’t content?
I think it’s kind of a perspective thing. I just feel like I need these for myself because of personality or traits etc. Others might not.
Just remember that you don’t see the negative parts of these people’s lives. Not taking anything away from their accomplishments, and it’s great to aim high. Anything that can inspire you to take action to improve your life is a good thing. However, I promise they still have things they regret, time they feel was wasted, and moments of feeling unsatisfied.
Let’s not even think about these as “accomplishments”. I really don’t think they’re as unpleased about what they’re doing as much as I do, hence the title. Of course everyone have their regrets, that’s not my point really. I need to do better because I feel the lack of it, isn’t this valid enough?
You’re not alone in that regard. No one guided me either. But I self taught myself the skill I wanted to persue. And after 7 seven years in, I just gave up. Honestly I’ve no regrets. My school mates are doing way better than I ever could. I’ve no shame where I took my life, because it was my own decision.
I don’t think you have to bound yourself to a purpose in life. Better invest your time and energy in something you enjoy. Build some skills.
I think it’s completely healthy to want to better yourself and look at the examples of people around you, but remember that you’ve placed yourself in this group and as you grow you’ll place yourself in new groups with a new set of coworkers/friends/colleagues and some of them will outpace you. I found I was continuously stacking myself against the people around me in my career, and as I grew I would stack myself against a new set of people on the next “level”, which made me lose sight of my own overall growth. It definitely drove me forward and overall it seems to have worked out, but as you grow just make sure to take some time to reflect on your accomplishments.
Yes, I wish I could surround myself around such people more and more, it just helps you see things so much clearer. I’m still “looked up on” by most people around me and it actually pisses me up. Why are you telling me I’m doing very good, I’m the best etc.? It doesn’t help me grow at all!
When you look at someone else’s life, you only see the Highlights Reel. You don’t hear about all the boring in between moments, their struggles with imposter syndrome and insecurities, their relational arguments or troubles with their family, all the BS.
Life isn’t about keeping up.
It’s a parlor trick, magically coming into existence for a fraction of a moment in this infiniteness of time and space. The best thing we can do is cherish the miracle and squeeze the most happiness for the time we have. It’s respecting life.
For some, that means service to others. For others, it’s patenting science projects. And then there’s those that find it in an honest job, being good to people they love, and exploring hobbies from time to time.
Happiness is definitely not a contest. Especially one that you put yourself through fully knowing you won’t win.
But if you feel like you need more value in your life, it’s never too late to do something new.
I love your comment about happiness not being a contest. I have always bought in to the idea that happiness is a choice, you decide what’s important to you and if you’re getting those things then be happy! Don’t worry about everyone else comparing themselves to each other endlessly, that is the road to madness 🙂
I feel it. Not so much “wasted” as “taken from me.” Between school that did nothing but hold me back and cause me anxiety to the time since that I’ve lost to said anxiety and probably-related depression, I feel like my life never really began. Now I look around at the things I “have to do” or “have to get done” and it’s all so overwhelming that I just want to sleep instead. Even though I know damn well I’ll feel better and enjoy the payoff if I actually do the things. And then I see people half my age doing all the things OP mentions, and honestly I feel exhausted just looking at those people. Like how the fuck do you run a startup? I have a goddamn master’s degree and I can’t figure out how to register a business let alone run one. And you do this every day? I mean, I remember doing ten-plus-hour days when I was working and going to school at the same time and I didn’t have a choice, but now? Holy shit, no.
Relatable in everything you mentioned
Like how the fuck do you run a startup? I have a goddamn master’s degree and I can’t figure out how to register a business let alone run one
Yes, I really feel like this is not something that is gained by conventional wisdom. And it’s sad because when you ask people to explain, literally “tell me”, they give some useless answer all the time
I’m just enjoying the ride. Not concerned about wasting time or achievement. Kudos to those who strive to make a difference. I’m just happy to be here!
Reading this, I can’t help but imagine it could have been written by a golden retriever. And that is an oddly cute thing to picture. 😀
This one, yes!
Hmm, take it easy on yourself. You don’t have to be someone known. Just enjoy what you have and stay satisfied. I know its harder to do than to say but human desires can keep you wanting for whole life.
Our realm is full of noisy things, making us chase/desire what we don’t have, and that is deliberate.
Fill your life with positivity, Change your prescription. Greed and envy will only give you negativity.
I just want to. And I believe I can, can’t I? I don’t think I lack anything they have. This is more of “I’m sad because of these people doing better than me” but “Oh, I cam’t believe I missed this. How can I do it myself as well?” approach.
When you know you don’t want to do that, then why are you doing that?
Maybe the title is kind of making you say what you’re saying, but I really don’t like how I’ve been using my time in the past. And I’m not using that to feel bad about myself. I just don’t think I’m seeing through my mistakes enough. I can still change, like a lot.
No. I’ve been in that insecure position. I just realised its not worth my time. Look forward.
You might feel like that now but almost certainly not forever. Growth and progress happen so slowly, making it very difficult to perceive. Comparing yourself to others and their achievements makes it even harder to see and in some cases may even undo growth/progress.
The only fair comparison to make is present you to past you. Sometimes that won’t give you much but sometimes it will and those are good moments.
My hope for you is that you learn to trust yourself and cultivate pride so that one day you realize you’ve been more satisfied with life and can’t be sure when things changed.
I hope you’re right. I don’t think I’m doing enough to get into the state where I’m satisfied for the moment.
Of course I’m doing a lot in general (and definitely outlast my past by far) but everyone does, especially at my age. It feels more like the rate of growth that is important here.
And I want to “undo” mistakes. I want to work harder and do something so I can “catch up”, perhaps not even a real person but the person I’d be if I spent my time productively. That’s why comparing with myself doesn’t feel satisfying
This type of thinking is very common and incredibly toxic. There is nothing wrong with wanting to strive, it’s healthy and important. The comparison is where it becomes detrimental. I discovered this when learning endurance running. I kept comparing my times with peers and at some point I looked at what a world record time would be. However much effort I put in, it would never be enough to win against someone who is truly gifted in this area of life. The running became more relaxed after that, I was in a race against myself and the goal became improving my own time and helping others.
As others have said, try not to compare yourself to others. You could take inspiration from others, and shape up your own path. You will always lag behind if you follow someone else’s path. If you make your own path, then you might be able to walk side-by-side with others. An analogy would be in starting a new business where you wouldn’t want to directly compete with established businesses, so you would add your own twist or handle a niche uee case instead.
Also, there’s different kinds of success which also depends on perspective.
Occasionally. I think it’s natural to do so. This reminds me of a lyric from The Butt Hole Surfers
“Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it’s better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven’t done.” "And by the way, if you see your mom this weekend, would you be sure and tell her… " Satan! Satan. Satan!
I guess to add to what a lot of people have said already but many people would argue that there is no inherent meaning to life as a whole and therefore you need to find your own. For some this may be wanting fame or glory, for others it’s putting in a good day’s work. There is no correct answer. You only get one shot at this life so ultimately do what makes you happy.
If you spend your life comparing yourself to others it is going to make you miserable, especially if you compare yourself to the history books, only a percentage of a percentage of a percentage of people ever make it in them, what happened to all those people who were theorising about gravity when the apple fell on the head of mathematician in Woolsthorpe?
The same goes for fame too, look at all the people who start making content with the only goal of “making it big.” How far do they realistically get before they give up? Audiences also aren’t silly, they can tell when someone is phoning it in, people want to see authentic stuff.
For me then, well, I’d be a liar if I said that I have never chased something, because I’m chasing something right now, it’s just that it’s a personal goal and I know achieving it will bring me personal happiness. If it makes other people happy too that’s a bonus, it’s not going to change the world, it’s not going to set the world on fire, but it’s been fun.
But I will not deny that in the past I too have had to deal with nihilism, and that was a very difficult period of my life. One that at the time I just couldn’t talk to people about because how do you word that?
Besides, you don’t know how many people out there are looking at you right now and going, “damn, wish I was OP, having the maturity to question their place in the universe at only
xxyears old!”Edit: Grammar
while someone gets a patent on solar systems,
Rarely achieved by individuals, rarely achieved by someone intentionally aiming to achieve that particular goal. Most were just doing a job.
other invents a new recyclable plastic,
Rarely achieved by individuals, rarely achieved by someone intentionally aiming to achieve that particular goal. Most were just doing a job.
and another found a successful startup.
Less than 10% chance. The other 90+ are now worrying about their FAILED startup. Also… Rarely achieved by indiv- yadda yadda
Why are you this worried? The vast majority of humans are NOT special, and your framing for accomplishments is all weirdly skewed if you think those require a special human. This doesn’t take a stoic or a realist to realize, it’s just true. You’re boring and so am I, because almost everyone, even whatever celebrity you can name me on the spot, is also fundamentally someone boring who likes doing boring things in their spare time. And boring people can achieve great things. The opposition to that notion exists only to glorify whatever chucklefuck narcissist-serving philosophy dumbasses at social gatherings believe in, and pink magazines’ financial security.
I’ve seen people be like this even with entertainment, and it’s not healthy. People worried about matchmaking ratings, or pissed at themselves that they can’t be as good as Fireb0rne when fighting Hollow Knight bosses, instead of just taking things at their pace, putting the effort they enjoy and accepting the results those bring.
Yes I have no claim that they’re special people. I can see myself being close that or just be that if I actually changed some (I mean, a lot of) stuff in the past
I’m worried because I end up like some of those people. And time is passing really fast. Even years don’t feel as long now. I think college will start and end before I realize it
Dood. Don’t trip. The Colonel started KFC when he was 40 Vlad didn’t start impaling until he was 32. Samuel L Jackson was 42 before he landed his gigs, after being addicted to heroin and cocaine. Even Billy Joel Armstrong’s kids thinks he’s lame.
Life is a journey. Not a race with accolades and a medal at the end.
Only way to see anything on the journey is to take the steps and enjoy the view.
Comparison is the thief of joy. What others have done in their life says nothing about their level of happiness during those times. Accomplishments are just one sentence with so much that happens in between that you don’t know. I feel like society has really done people a disservice by convincing everyone that you have to do big things in order to have a great life and if you don’t do them all before you’re 30 then you’re old and wasted your life and that could not be further from the truth.
You don’t have to pace up with anyone, your path is completely different from theirs and your thing that you do can start any time because it is NEVER too late. As long as you’re living you can start your next path any day you want, saying you can’t is like accepting that you won’t try anything new again until you die.
Lastly, even if you don’t have some big accomplishment like you’re seeing others have that doesn’t make you “less than” anyone else. You can still lead a perfectly happy and wonderful life without having some really great big goal in mind. Your goal can be to be the best you that you can be to everyone you interact with and that would still be a valuable goal in life. Take a look at what you value in life and when you focus on those things and surround yourself with others with similar values then you’ll naturally find your next goals in life. You’re exactly where you need to be.
if you don’t do them all before you’re 30 then you’re old and wasted your life and that could not be further from the truth.
I think they’re actually right. I just look around, older people don’t want to move an inch from their comfort zone. It’s almost always what they do in their youth that defined who they are. If they are still doing good things in their life still, they were usually not sleeping around in their youth either. I think there is something about getting old that makes you less flexible in general, psychologically.
I’m definitely not where I want to be. I look at my last year, last 2 years, last 4 years, last 6 years etc. and it’s as if I never done anything right with exceptions (something something broken clock). And when I try to do something today, many times I struggle because I didn’t start early, or I just straight up can’t. I can give so many examples to this today. Me sleeping around only hurts me in the future.
Regardless of your age, you are a result of the daily choices you make. Coming from someone who is going on 30, I don’t feel like my life is defined by anything from when I was 17 and below. In fact, I don’t feel like I really started getting my shit together until well after college. And I’m honestly glad for that, I was a different person when I was 17 than I am today and I’ve grown a lot. 17 year old me would not recognize the person I’ve become today in a very very good way. You have so much ahead of you that’s really hard to see right now but it definitely gets better.
You don’t have to be where you want to be right now, but you can make a conscious decision to make small daily choices to get you to where you want to be. You’re focusing so much on what you haven’t done and not enough on what you could do in the future. What’s already happened doesn’t really matter, what matters is what you do tomorrow.
As someone who just turned 30, every year brings growth and change to my life. I’m not the same person I was at 17, or 24, or even 28. Every day I strive to better myself, or do better. Am I more set in my ways than I was 15 years ago? Maybe. But I don’t really think so. I choose everyday to try to level up myself in some way, some days I succeed. But often I fail. And that’s okay. Failure is a part of life - and an integral one. Struggling and failing is how you learn. It’s also a cliche, but I find it to be true that success is all the sweeter when it comes after a series of failures. All you can do is pick up and try again. Because when you let failure stop you, that’s the only way to ensure you’ll never succeed.
You’re young. You don’t need to have accomplished anything at this point, you don’t need to know what you want to accomplish later in life. Even if you never accomplish anything of note it won’t make your life, or your happiness, less important or meaningful. Your goals don’t have to be grand, as long as they matter to you.
Also I noticed specifically you mentioned sleeping around here. I’m not sure why you think sleeping around would hurt you in the future, or why you are beating yourself up so much over that specifically. But you should stop shaming yourself for it. “Sleeping around” is a perfectly normal part of life, at any age. As long as you’re doing it safely, and with care for your own mental health. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It won’t prohibit you from settling down in the future if that’s what you want.
I don’t mean “sleeping around” literally, I just didn’t know what phrase to use to describe just kind of not doing any out-of-box activity and missing opportunities around you in general.
I did this too much it kind of affects some of my personal life negatively atm.
Context: I’m hope-to-be international student
I’m whining I have so little time to prepare for college admissions but… I could literally start preparing 2 years ago but I didn’t know I could study abroad at the time. Which is, kind of the dumbest assumption I made in my life. Have I never seen a single international student? Why would they not let you enroll? Why I decided I couldn’t study abroad for some reason? Why I took the words of the principal or family for a topic like that, they literally can’t speak English? Worse, I got really upset for not being able to study abroad for two years bc it was like my dream - this combined with some others factors made a few years of high school a mental hell for me
I could attend an international high school that would help with the process but I (literally this time) slept around instead of researching high schools.
I didn’t learn German even though I set that myself as a goal before, now I can’t apply to German universities, which would be free so I wouldn’t be stressed for getting scholarships right now
My examples are academic only but similar stuff exist in my social life as well, or like any other area
And time passes so fast I feel the pressure on my shoulders to not sleep around at least because I know I’ll regret that later on
A carpenter and his apprentice were walking together through a large forest. And when they came across a tall, huge, gnarled, old, beautiful oak tree, the carpenter asked his apprentice: “Do you know why this tree is so tall, so huge, so gnarled, so old and beautiful?” The apprentice looked at his master and said: “No…why?”
“Well,” the carpenter said, “because it is useless. If it had been useful it would have been cut long ago and made into tables and chairs, but because it is useless it could grow so tall and so beautiful that you can sit in its shade and relax.”
Source: Henri Nouwen, Out of Solitude (Ave Maria Press, 1974, 2004), pages 26-27
Sorry I don’t understand. How does this relate to the post?
This is a metaphor about not only seeking value in goal chasing or accomplishing. Try to value your offtime as much as your dedicated goal chasing time. See the value in doing nothing.
See the value in doing nothing.
Yes
