As a dad, I think about this fact so much.
I still feel just like a kid with no clue about everything, but I still have to do stuff, because I’m responsible for my own kids now.
I feel the same way often. And the kids look up to me with the absolute confidence and trust that their dad knows what he’s doing and will know what to do when they have trouble. I know that’s how it should be so they can be children. But at the same time I know it’s just not true and I’m just winging it.
my kids have a pretty good grasp that i’m also just finding my way in the world, and that it’s okay.
i feel like, anyone who comes across as though they have it all figured out are likely just unaware that the catalyst that brings it all crashing down is never really THAT far away.
Yeah, there’s a balance of “I’m not perfect, but I will always be here to look out for you” that has to be struck. Too far one way and the moment you break, the kids are gonna be scared and confused at what’s happening. And too far the other puts the responsibility on the child to take on a parent role (and believe me when I say that fucks you up)
You need to be a little more generous to yourself, friend. Compared to a kid, you do know what you’re doing, and thankfully kid troubles are mostly not a big deal, so you probably will know what to do. From a certain point of view.
Do you think there is value in teaching kids, from a young age, that their parents are not infallible? If not, why? If so, how would you teach that to a kid in a way they would understand and incorporate?
My parents failed me a lot. My childhood sucked, and because of that I go through life numb.
I couldn’t even start to heal until I realized my parents are people. Flawed people. The first time my mom came to me for reassurance, I understood the insecure woman that was doing her best and putting up a strong front.
The time my dad opened up and almost apologized for what was so obviously the wrong thing, I saw a man who isn’t unwilling to acknowledge his failings, he’s fundamentally unable to recognize them.
There are no adults, we’re all just children putting up a front. It makes you feel safe to think the people in control of us are competent… If you like how things are. Otherwise, it’s like living under a cruel god
Understanding they’re people doing the best they can makes you feel a hell of a lot less alone when things aren’t good
Believing your parents are infallible is good for one thing - equating belief in authority with safety. It doesn’t make them happier or better equipped to actually handle the world - it only makes them feel safe under very specific circumstances
Don’t tell your children everything, but don’t lie to them. You’re responsible for teaching them how the world works - lie to them about your own competence, and they’ll be crippled in understanding until they see through your lies
I think kids come to learn this on their own. But at the same time, normalizing being open about emotions is a good thing, to help promote an environment where saying “I’m okay, I’m just having a rough day today” is something that’s just normal.
But there’s a sense of security to parents being infallible that can be dangerous to break. I lost that feeling with my mother when I was five, in a pretty major way to be fair, and for the next few years I had nightmares about everyone I loved dying and I wouldn’t be able to stop them. Kids are powerless to the world around them in a lot of ways, and rely on adults to protect them and teach them how to protect themselves. So by seeing your parents as able to get through anything, you have a sense of safety at home.
So basically, normalize small challenges and openings to not be perfect, but be trying your best. Allow being human. But make sure the kid knows that no matter what, you will make sure both you and them are okay. Normalize the bumps in the road, and always reaching the end alright.
Not the person above, but I think it’s very important to teach that parents aren’t infallible or all-knowing. Everyone makes mistakes, even the people we base ourselves off so much. Admitting mistakes and saying you’re sorry to your kid when you’re actually wrong can help build their humility
Besides, kids tend to repeat and emulate their parents’ styles when they have their own kids
With the still-developing prefrontal, good luck.
Was out with my daughter and her friend, and we found a wallet on the ground. The friend picked it up and immediately handed it to me, and now I’m ‘what am I meant to do with it?’. But only in my head, because I’m the grown up who just can deal with everything.
Try to find an address in the wallet and mail it. Otherwise, hand it to the police.
It felt wrong to put it in my bag, so I held it out in front of me like a dirty nappy, and took it to the nearby shopping centre’s concierge.
Yep: you gotta hold it so that it’s clearly visible as not in your pocket and thus claimed by you.
This, oddly, seems to be The Way.
Ngl wing it with confidence and reassurance and when they grow up it’ll be even more impressive
That’s why I think people shouldn’t have kids until they have at least a couple of hundred years of life experience.
People should have 10 years of experience with having a kid before they’re allowed to have a kid
And at least two related certs.
You’ll doom humanity like that.
I realize that’s a joke, but we waited until our 30s to have a kid specifically so we could have life experience and more financial stability before taking on that responsibility. I think that’s the best way to do it. Being 46 with a 13-year-old is a lot easier than it would have been for me 13 years ago.
The other side of that is worth considering too. Being 46 with a 23 year old would be great.
I’m a mom whose kids are all grown, and I still feel it to this day. 😂
I’m glad to read that!
Lmao I’m a grown kid who’s helping teach my dad a lot and it’s so funny to see the back and forth, to see him excited about his work softball team or messing something up. He’s one of those “always need to look fully in control” types so it’s refreshing to see him actually be human sometimes
I’m almost 40 and still feel this way. My kids are 15 and 7.
Oh my god this is so true.
I recently heard “Another Day in Paradise” by Phil Collins, which I hadn’t heard since the 80s when I was a kid. It immediately brought back memories of being at home and Mom playing that song a lot, with just the two of us in the house, after Dad left.
Looking back at those memories through my adult eyes (I have a nearly-photographic memory and can vividly remember even ancient memories as if I’m still there), I can see my mom’s sadness and loneliness.
And then I realize she was my age. She had a little five year old boy. She was alone, unsure what to do. Putting on a smiling face not just for me but for herself too, cleaning the house with that song blasting. Like, I can watch the memories like video and I can see the heartache I couldn’t see back then.
I just want to go back in time, wrap my arms around her, and hold her tight.
These are the comments that make Lemmy great.
OP has posted some actually a showerthought and hence we are getting great responses as well. I am seeing a lot of communities not sticking to their true usage, hopefully this is a start towards it.
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The worst thing is growing up and seeing them less and less to the point where once you do end up seeing them, they look WAY older than your mental image of them. Cherish your parents while you have them
My mom will be 89 in a couple of months and it’s so hard to watch her get so frail when her mind is still so sharp. I recently started recording her stories, like how she became a Univac programmer in the 60’s. I cherish every minute because I hear the clock ticking and it’s SO loud and never goes away. I’m going to miss my mom so much. It’s like my heart’s already breaking under the weight of losing her.
Sounds like you’re kind of grieving in advance, which is natural and healthy so long as you channel it into something constructive like you are.
Everyone’s parents will leave, yours is the best case scenario.
Your mum was a programmer in the 60s? She must be incredibly in so many ways!
My dad had cancer last year and though he’s got through it it’s aged him so much… gotta hold on to the good memories
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This makes me sad. I just realized that I could be part of it but I spent most time away drinking, partying or playing vidya, and not caring
If you really feel like getting sentimental, check out this Wait But Why, specifically the “Relationships” section. There’s also this awesome Kurzgesagt video which was inspired by it.
Wow… I feel sad thinking about this now… we really don’t have enough time… it also makes me angry how we spend most of our waking life working like donkeys and end up sacrificing the most important things we love…
Don’t forget about the time wasted on social media or other useless stuff on the internet.
Don’t watch that video if you have to focus on something else in the next hour. That shit fucked me up.
Imagine that first strand of DNA trying to replicate in the young Earth against all the odds. Successfully changing and growing more complex, gradually improving over billions of years. All that toil and struggle will end with you unless you spaff into a fertile hole.
Such elegant wording
It’s never too late mate. Maybe you could still do something about it.
Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans
My dad didn’t grow up. He just got older.
felt this
I always thought the universe did a nasty by making the ideal breeding age for humans to be when it really is one of the worst times mentally/emotionally. 20 or so yrs later when more experience (and hopefully wisdom) has been gained, the eggs are shrivelling and the bullets are misfiring.
It’s hitting me kind of hard watching my folks in their mid-60s. Their health is starting to slip a little bit in small but noticeable ways. I never really saw it until recently
It was really weird for me to have some honest talks with my parents once I was well into adulthood. It took me way too long to realize they are people with their own problems to solve and a life and preferences, a personal history and all that. It’s weird how you tend to see your parents differently from other people until they deem you old enough to open up.
I just spent the last 2 hours before bed playing Minecraft with my 7 and 5 year old and I ate chicken nuggets for dinner… I may never grow up…
Mate, that sounds like an awesome night. I’d call that a win!
This one hits home. One day you just start seeing your parent/guardian as a frail old person who needs your assistance and love (obvs if it was a positive relationship). It makes me feel important but it also scare me knowing we’re reaching the end. I know, no one has life guaranteed but you know, growing older just pushes you towards that end anyway.
I hit me hard when i did the math and realized how old my grandparents were when I was a kid.
Middle aged man baby with a lovely wife with aspirations of having a child here reporting in. Not having read any comments… this hits hard and goddamn you OP 😖
Brilliant! I sure was child when I was raising mine but I really didn’t think of my own parents like. I have to mull this over
When you are a grown up you don’t realize you are watching your parents die.
Yeesh that’s a dark hard truth I’ve begun living. All three parents on their own glide slope and it’s just one mild crisis after another.
I definitely started to see my parents decline in my early 20s. They’re still going, but age is coming for them fast.
… and now I’m kind of sad.
