Ok, so it is sort of a known part of ADHD that we tend to talk a lot or our typed responses seem to be longer and involve a lot of breaks and punctuation (or whatever these are called). We do this to be clearer in communication. We do this to elaborate. And often for neurotypicals it becomes a point of frustration.
As women we also often have a different communication style or methods. It is often softer. There has been all these articles on it. How women apologize too much (what prompted this thought), minimize themselves linguistically and why/how we shouldn’t. And while I understand what they mean, I am frustrated with it.
For me “I’m sorry” is not an apology. It is only an apology when it is accompanied by qualifiers (I will not do x again, I will do better in the future, how can I make it right?) Sometimes it is social lubricant. Used in place of excuse me or to express empathy. When I say “I’m sorry your day has been terrible” I am not apologizing for your day. I didn’t make it terrible I am recognizing that it was bad and that sucks. I am leaving it open to you to elaborate on or move on from (whichever you prefer and this is where non verbal cues come in). If I didn’t want you to expand or wanted to find my way out of the conversation I would use “bummer” or simply “oh”.
And that brings me to the impetus for this long ass post. I was told once again by someone I apologize too much and should not. And it really ate at me. I am sick of constantly adjusting my language to make others more comfortable. Im constantly adjusting phrasing, tactics, ect to get my point across, be clear and be empathetic. No one else I know adjusts like this or to this degree. I put a ton of energy into my communication.
And if I should stop “apologizing” so much so that I am not as soft or so that I am seen with more self esteem, why can’t I say “Im sorry” as a non apology because that is what feels natural and best expresses my intention. I am sorry that the nuisances are lost on others.
I also “over apologize”. My mom does too. We say things like, “I’m sorry this is so hard” or “I’m sorry your [insert injured body part] hurts!” when empathizing. We apologize if someone bumps into us.
For me (and my mom) this appears to be a learned behavior.
While I am from Minnesota, and my mom grew up in a small community a few hours from the Canadian border, I attribute this habit to my mom growing up with a mom who was pacified by apologies. For example: Every time someone in the family has a baby shower, my grandma is there, gifting several large wooden spoons with a “funny” anecdote of how she once broke a wooden spoon disciplining my uncle, while my mom always talked her way out of a spanking (by apologizing, giving compliments, taking on responsibility - essentially fawning). My grandma isn’t “a piece of work”, but I’m pretty sure she has ADHD (that lady cannot stop moving/talking!!), on top of a traumatic childhood.
I don’t have anything to add other than commiseration at this point. My tendency to apologize as a social lubricant worked until I was out of college, when I started receiving feedback that it was aggravating, annoying, and made me seem weak (by people I would consider socially aggressive/takers/abusers on the extreme end of the spectrum).