Whaletails led me to wearing thongs which led me to sissy stuff which led me to chastity which led me to cuckolding fetish. And somewhere along the way I realized that I don’t need to feel insecure about my arguably average-sized penis - an insecurity definitely more pronounced because of my own attraction to big dicks, and some confusion/denial about that. I realized that I could delight in not having a big dick. After all, I’d rather suck than be sucked - I know that 100%.
Right now there are few things that turn me on more than feeling like I have an inadequate cock to perform PIV sex or top with. Wearing a chastity cage feels so affirming. If I could shrink my PP, I probably would.
The way I see men and women on the street is starting to be re-mapped. I no longer see myself competing with men who want to top; we’re different. And I no longer see my attraction to women as primarily sexual. That’s what I’m used to labelling it as but usually it’s “I wish I looked like that.” And, to some extent, hot hetero couples - fine specimens of their gender - don’t elicit “poor me for not having that” but more “I’d love to watch them fuck.”
I didn’t like the term beta when I first encountered it. But now I feel like it fits for me. Because I want to bottom and be girly, I have a big ‘size matters’ fetish, and I’m not able to socially or medically transition. I’ve learned a lot about myself from exploring my kinks. Can anyone relate to any of that lol
I can relate to being a beta bottom, not so much the rest of it. I haven’t had enough dicks in my life to form size preferences, and I’ve never felt like I’m competing to be a “real man”. I’m tall and masculine-looking, so it’s a bigger struggle for me to look less masculine and visually fit my role. I don’t know why you can’t transition, but the things holding me back are insecurity about my masculine appearance and lack of funds.
I have similar reasons for non-transitioning: generally real-life considerations versus internal. I’m also about to undertake a career change, have low social support, am not the most socially fluent, am concerned about growing transphobia, don’t want the daily hassles (e.g., public change rooms).
I feel pretty confident that non-transition is the best choice for me right now, but it isn’t by a huge margin - it’s like a 60-40 vote versus 90-10 one.
My strategy for now is to try to to thread the needle between embracing feminine things that make me good and being able to pass as cis-enough. I’m fortunate to have a full head of hair, which I’ve grown out, and I’m working on a nice neat top bun. I love having long hair (most of the time :P)
I grew my hair out, dyed it a lighter shade, and I straighten it and use hair clips. I also try to wear at least one article of women’s clothing every day, and I often wear makeup. I don’t know if these things make me trans, but even in the conservative area I live, people are surprisingly accepting. I recommend crossdressing.