I tried typing this into Google, but it returned 20 pages of “My wife gained weight and I don’t love her. How can I convince her to start an eating disorder?” FFS the West.
Comrades, I wish to fuck that my gf gaining a few kilos was even in my top ten list of problems right now. I tell her that’s she’s fine. We’re getting older, and we both put on a few kilos. I try to be supportive, and just let her feel comfortable with the new reality. It’s like a major stressor for her. I guess some of her workmates and relatives have made comments. I tell her to tell those people to tell me. What kind of person comments on another person’s appearance?
Just a final rant. Both me and me gf work sorta stressful office jobs, and we both end up doing a lot of overtime. Stress, anxiety, and a lack of time contribute to a less than ideal health situation. I know IRL a few venture capitalist types that spend hours in the gym everyday, but they’re the worst humans imaginable. My gf comes from a working class background, and she’s one of the kindest people I know. I don’t mean to shame anyone that loves the gym, but spending adequate time on fitness isn’t super easy in late stage capitalism.
Anyhow, if any of you comment on anyone’s weight ever, I will literally claw your face.
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Ideological and logical arguments don’t work and will never work. Just treat her like she’s attractive without being fetishy. Don’t force it. Just find an excuse to look at her and think about how it makes you feel and then let her know.
I’m sorry. I’m unable to apply solutions that aren’t “read more theory”.
For real, good solution though.
+1. You don’t have to say anything out of the ordinary for your relationship, just behave how you naturally do when you’re attracted to her
The beliefs that people “just need to move more” is part of the misconception that “conveniently” puts the responsibility solely on the individual, ignoring the very real material reality they find themself in. To control once weight you need to control your diet, i.e calorie intake, but how do you do that if you don’t have the time/energy/money/knowledge/tools to cook your own food, or even access to good ingredients to begin with? It’s very hard.
We’re surrounded by processed cheap slop that’s literally engineered to make us crave it and knowing how little “extra” you need each day to slowly but steadily gain weight makes you realize it’s a very steep uphill battle. In other words, it’s perfectly understandable that someone is gaining a few kg, especially during stress and as we age in this hedonistic sedentary treat-nexus engineered to distract us from our own oppression.
We must imagine Sisyphus a little chubby.
a few months ago i had pneumonia. i’m young and relatively healthy, so there was no real danger or whatever, but i completely stopped eating, i just wasn’t hungry in the slightest. i had maybe 3 meals over the course of two weeks and couldn’t finish them.
when i told my dad that, his response was “well, you must have lost some weight!” as a positive thing. genuine fucking insanity. the thing that really gets me is that there is a 0% chance anyone would EVER say that shit if i were amab. like, don’t get me wrong, i’m sure this stuff effects everyone to a degree, but so much of it is pure fucking sexism
i’m sorry i dont have any advice for you other than “overthrow the patriarchy” comrade, but honestly knowing that this shit it baseless misogynistic nonsense and that i’m in the exact same boat as every woman on earth has always helped me. you see women of all sizes being subjected to this shit, and it just makes it so clear that its not actually about size or health or whatever, its about condemning women for daring to be real living biological lifeforms rather than purely aesthetic 2D tradwives.
Sorry you both are experiencing this, I can’t imagine having borderline strangers call me out in my weight and then continue to sit in the next cubicle asking me about my weekend plans or whatever. What a bunch of pricks.
Most people want to feel desirable in their romantic relationship. Make sure you are outwardly acknowledging how attracted you are to them. It sounds weird and performative, but sometimes we make assumptions that our actions speak loud enough when really the other person needs more direct affirmation.
Most people want to feel desirable in their romantic relationship.
While there is truth to this and you should absolutely do it, for a lot of people(especially those in healthy relationships) no amount of reassurance can assuage deep seeded insecurities. Attraction is almost the expectation rather because it’s a basic requirement for a relationship to function.
Hearing constant reassurance about attractiveness from a partner can feel like your mom telling you you’re the most handsome person in the world. It’s nice, but it doesn’t feel like it carries a lot of weight compared to an organic comment from a stranger.
Of course, like anything there are nuances. Obviously you don’t want to come off like you are placating.
Didn’t mean to imply that lavishing your partner in affirmations will make it all bette. It’s just from my personal experiences, my partner and I look to each other for the unconditional support and affirmations that we just need sometimes.
Just to be clear, I didn’t interpret your advice as anything other than a normal, healthy, and loving affirmation to your partner. I’ve been in numerous relationships with a partner with an ED (including my current partner for well over a decade now) though and my perspective is colored very differently.
No worries, I totally get where you are coming from, so I just wanted to clarify my statements in general.
@ideology@hexbear.net already gave you the only answer I know to suggest, but I wanted to commend you for being a proactively supportive partner. You fucking rock.
death to comments on bodies
death to comments on weight
Fat-shaming is a fucking stupid and evil thing to do in the first place, but it actually also drives overweight people to stay that way.
Some pop science mind-fuckery I read some years ago talked about how feeling bad about not losing weight… tends to make you gain weight. Feeling guilt and upset demonstrably causes people to eat more and actually break healthy new habits in general, because biology. My weird brain internalises this as “don’t worry about feeling guilty/shamed about stuff, because feeling that way demonstrably doesn’t help”, but I appreciate that may not work for others.
Chasing change or health improvements is great if it feels positive and doable, but absolutely no shame to be felt about not doing it, especially in what sounds like an already stressful enough time. I hope she can come to a comfortable place and ignore the shitty comments of others. Best of love and self-love to you and yours
Anyhow, if any of you comment on anyone’s weight ever, I will literally claw your face.
Based Anti-Fatphobic Action
Yeah it sounds like the stress is mostly externally imposed by those assholes, or at least that’s what your post implies. This is a good time to be supportive so stay the course!
This also includes being more open to any changes she wants to make in response. Even if you think they’re dumb. Lots of “yes we can try that and I’ll help but don’t forget this isn’t an issue for me I just want you to be happy”.
This is some darn good advice right here ⭐
People gain weight when they get older eventually.
I mean, I get it. Nobody wants to gain weight. But this is what a fucked-up body image does to people. Hell, I feel bad sometimes 'cause I essentially have a “slob-bod” and my family is always telling me to “exercise” or “lose some weight.” Dammit, I want to exercise on my own initiative!
Edit: I think it’s harder on women in capitalist countries.
and my family is always telling me to “exercise” or “lose some weight.”
Please tell your family that Mr. ButtBidet invites them to eat his perpetually clean ass.
Edit: I think it’s harder on women in capitalist countries.
I feel like too much value given to women comes down to their weight. Sorry that wasn’t profound.
Yeah, it’s not very profound lol, but it’s still true, even after all the feminist movements we’ve had all the years. We need, like, a fifth-wave of feminism or whatever. Not sure which one we should be on by now. I feel like we’ve regressed, if anything.
We need gulags for people who voice that this shit matters. Also I do thing if more people were prole, we’d all care less about bourgeois beauty standards.
agreed
it destroys lives, imho
This is literally me, after two kids and more pregnancies she gained some weight and cant even look into the mirror for longer than a moment. She is beatiful. But telling her that is not really of any value to her, what I do understand, cause at the end its her feelins that matters. She is convinced that she has to lose the extra weigh, I try to be supportive and hope that some more time will help.
I really thought it was just going to be a situation of her becoming too focused on things she noticed, but I’m at a bit of a loss that people she’s close to said something. That’s so fucked. I agree with people saying don’t fight her so much on it, but just be supportive
Why not offer to go on an evening walk together daily? Couldn’t hurt in that department and also gives you some time to just be together and outside being active. Like, you don’t have to power walk or anything just a nice walk for about 20-30 minutes. Loads of health benefits, both physical and mental. Good for stress. Make it a routine.
If someone is stressed about gaining weight, suddenly introducing the suggestion of going for a walk everyday will severely “hurt in that department”. OP is trying to avoid callous comments rather than add to them.
I don’t think so. If your partner is expressing these things and you say, “Well, I’m not bothered by your weight at all but if you want maybe we can start a daily walk in the afternoon maybe that would help and might just be nice,” then it’s not a big deal. I didn’t think I’d need to tell people explicitly how to be affectionate and thoughtful to their partner. Kind of assumed that was a gimme.
Or, you know, you could just come home and yell, “HEY FATSO WANNA WALK THE THUNDER THIGHS OFF TONIGHT?” I’m not going to tell you how to live your life.
Have you ever been/been with an insecure person? Rational or not, switching your message from “you’re fine the way you are” to “let’s try going for walks” is liable to cause their insecurities to go into overdrive thinking you secretly do mind, and do think they need to lose weight, and I’m not sure any amount of prefacing and reassurances can negate that effect if she.
If she were able and willing to make time to exercise, then absolutely, be supportive, but suggesting it outright might be something to be careful about or avoid depending on the person. I think that’s the key, we don’t know this person as well as OP does, maybe she’d be receptive to that, or maybe they absolutely don’t have time, or that suggestion would worsen her stress.
Maybe that’s true. People can be insecure about certain aspects of their life, body, career, or whatever and not be insecure and unstable overall. I wasn’t going to jump to conclusions about the person’s partner.
If suggesting going for a short walk in the evening is too callous of a comment then there isn’t really anything to say.
The whole message from OP is that she should not feel shame for it, not that OP wants to help her lose weight. Flipping from “no you’re absolutely fine the way you are, this is mostly outside our control” to “hey lets go for walks” kinda undermines the sincerity of “you are fine the way you are”, when heard through the ears of someone insecure about their weight. OP literally said they are both putting in overtime at high-stress jobs and don’t have time to exercise much. It’s a sensitive subject and should be treated very carefully to avoid making the stress worse.
I’m not saying that they should or shouldn’t pursue exercise, or that their weight is totally unchangeable, but OP didn’t ask for diet/exercise tips, he just ranted about the people causing her stress (the ones making comments primarily, along with a generally misogynist and fatphobic society)
My wife and I have started doing this, and it’s helped us feel a little bit better. A mile walk isn’t going to drive weight loss or anything, but the important thing is to feel good about how your body is doing. And outside of the health benefits, it’s just nice to have a small daily reminder that your body can still get moving when you ask it to
Exactly. It’s almost like we evolved as a species to be mobile and outside and doing so appeals to our very nature.
I guess some of her workmates and relatives have made comments.
fucking shitty people.
have you guys tried roller skating? First of, its an awesome couple activity and its pretty easy to get into, you can go pretty much everywhere and its like walking but faster so you see more in the same amount of time as a walk. and as a bonus its a good fitness exercise so its a win-win maybe? Or not if you guys really dont have the time… anyhow good luck!
Start doing some dumbbell curls together so you can punch these body shame losers in the face wham bam pow!
