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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-03-21 05:02:01.
I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Chimney4684, now deleted
Originally posted to r/amiwrong
My wife told me I’m replaceable
Editor’s Note: all texts and some comments were saved before they were deleted*
Trigger Warnings: heart attack, mentions of accusations of infidelity, possible spousal neglect
Original Post - January 28, 2024
I (30M) have been married to my wife (29F) for two years, and we have known each other for six. A few weeks ago, we had an argument, and during our disagreement, she told me that I am replaceable. After our argument, she went out with her friends. I have been dealing with some health problems for a while, and the argument stressed me out, leaving me nervous and unwell. I was alone in the house and decided to call the paramedics because I felt that something was really wrong. To sum up, I suffered a heart attack.
In the hospital, they tried to reach my wife, but she didn’t respond, likely still upset from our argument. She called later, after coming home, when she found out that I’m not there. After learning of my condition, she came to see me and stayed with me the entire time, constantly crying and holding my hands. After being sent home, she did everything so I could recover faster. However, despite her efforts, I couldn’t stop thinking about how she had told me that I’m replaceable. I constantly think about it, I want to confront her about it, but I don’t think I’m ready.
I’m trying to understand why context matters. In what way or situation is it acceptable to call your partner replaceable? The audacity to even say something like that is beyond me.
I will answer some things here:
• We have no children • I have genetic health problems, external factors also contributed to my problems • I have higher salary then her, so I mostly pay the bills or buy things for our home • I mostly cook and clean, she does it to but mostly me, It’s not 50-50, more like 60-40 • She isn’t actively trying to kill me, I hope so at least • I don’t know if she has a fuck buddy
Let’s also address the elephant in the room. We had argument about our house, some issues with it, after that we also discussed our priorities, careers and intimacy. At one point discussion was replaced by her venting and saying things not even related to original discussion. I had no issues with her ranting about things until she told me that I’m replaceable.
That was the end of conversation. I no longer wanted to talk. She finds my silence terrifying but she didn’t stay in the house for long after argument. I don’t know when she came home, I woke up in the hospital and she was there. She kept crying and holding my hands. She didn’t speak much, she couldn’t.
On the side note, some people in this comment section have some issues themselves, like some of the comments are just wild, horrifying.
Update:
I’ve decided to separate for a month. We will go to a counselor and speak maybe 1-2 times a week. If she cares about me, she will accept it and do everything she can to improve our relationship and marriage. If she starts playing around, going out on dates, or if I suspect her of cheating, I will end it. There won’t be any forgiveness or second chances. I will make an update post sometime in the future. So many of you reached out and offered support and advice. I think the least I can do is provide you with the update. Thank you all very much.
Top Comments - Editor’s Note: top comments are from the same user below
PrettyPandamonium:
My husband once said to me:
“Wives are replaceable. Mothers are not. Mom will always win.”
Within the year our nine-year marriage collapsed.
The context was finding out how deeply involved his mother was in our marriage, arguments, decisions, etc. We were not arguing, but having a discussion about how it wasn’t right to basically have a third person in the marriage, that it was between the two of us. The way I found out was during a discussion about investments we had made, I got up from the table we were talking at, and found his phone on the counter, with “MOM” showing on screen. He’d called her and had her listen in to our discussion, so he could take it to her after we were done. I disconnected the call without comment, and she called back immediately.
He vehemently disagreed that it wasn’t right, and made that statement to me, basically stating that it was he and his mom against me, and I’d always lose. While she was still on the phone listening in.
It was like a gut punch. It opened my eyes to a lot of little things that eventually led to filing for divorce. He was stunned. His mom called me immediately and said: “You can’t do that!” Well, yes I can. And did.
As a petty move, I served his mother the divorce papers at the same time, so she could ‘be involved’ in the divorce lol. $50 well spent in my opinion! She came to our hearing and was so vocal about what she thought was right or wrong, that the judge ordered her out of the court room lol.
He’s her full-time problem now. They’ve been living together since the separation and she’s miserable about it. They deserve each other.
Commenter 2
Jesus. Sounds like a giant mama’s boy. Nothing wrong with being close to parent/family. But this is some co dependency shit. I’m surprised you never saw any signs early in the relationship.
PrettyPandamonium:
I did not. His mom was overseas for two years when I met him. When we got married, I’d met her four times, since she traveled all the time. She was newly retired and ready to see the world, which I thought was very cool.
I really liked her as a mother in law, thought she was interesting and fun to chat with or visit.
About two years before our split, things changed. She lived on the opposite coast from us, so we weren’t seeing her but twice a year. But all of a sudden it was “Mom said…” and “Mom thinks…” ALL THE TIME.
Then he was using her opinion on things too, such as when we went to buy a car. I was hearing “Mom researched this one and says…” “Mom said that dealership has bad reviews…” and I’m thinking “Why is Mom a part of so many of our conversations?” and “How does Mom know about this?”.
You heard how it all ended lol
But no, not really. It wasn’t until about two or so years toward the end that they got this weird thing going.
PrettyPandamonium:
It was…interesting.
First, she actually thanked me for serving her the papers lol. That was totally a bitch move on my part, but she called to say thank you, so she’d know what was what in the divorce. I didn’t serve her anything else, just the initial summons.
In the courtroom she told the judge she’d been “subpoenaed” to testify lol. That’s how she saw it! But she also kept telling the judge he had the law wrong, loudly declared things “UNFAIR!”, interrupted court personnel, wanted her name and address on file for further notifications from the court and so on.
The judge finally called her and was exquisitely sarcastic. It’s been a long time so I do not remember exact words, but it was along the lines of “Ma’am, while it is obvious to myself and other members of the court that you have a vested interested in the outcome of this dissolution, and a vague understanding of court room procedure, your knowledge of the law is sorely lacking. Along with your ability to show respect. At this time I’m asking the bailiff to escort you to the bench outside the doors, and if we are in need of your legal knowledge we shall call for your assistance.”
Like I said, I don’t remember the EXACT words, but that isn’t far off lmao. It took me a minute to realize what had happened because the judge was so courteous, respectful, with his voice sounding as if she meant everything to him.
While telling her to GTFO! I wish I had mad skills like that! lol
PrettyPandamonium:
There is more in the thread. I do relate the court room, the judge removing her.
On Reddit you never know what is going to ‘grab’ people. I am so surprised at the response to this long ago event. I never expected this much response!
You can write a well thought out, articulate comment and…nothing. Dash off a little memory sparked by the word “replaceable” and…wow!
Honestly I’m not really up to date on how they are doing now. Through word of mouth I know they still live together, even moved to Florida at some point. I know she’s very unhappy about it, and that just makes me giddy sometimes lol. I really liked her as a MIL until all this started, but she brought this on. Everyone is saying he was a mama’s boy, but he really wasn’t. She lived in Germany for the first two years of our marriage, and even when she came back to the US we only saw her twice a …
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Having a nested story in here makes this nigh unreadable
Honestly I’m not really up to date on how they are doing now. Through word of mouth I know they still live together, even moved to Florida at some point. I know she’s very unhappy about it, and that just makes me giddy sometimes lol. I really liked her as a MIL until all this started, but she brought this on. Everyone is saying he was a mama’s boy, but he really wasn’t. She lived in Germany for the first two years of our marriage, and even when she came back to the US we only saw her twice a year. We’d call her every few weeks to see how she was doing since she was getting older, and that was it.
Then for some reason he got mommy-fever and started involving her in EVERYTHING. Until I saw the phone line was open so she could hear everything we were discussing.
I’m rambling lol…sorry, I’m really tired. But yeah, keep reading the thread, you’ll see how it went down in court.
Have a terrific week! I’m off to sleep :D
Update - March 9, 2024 (1.5 months later)
As promised, here’s an update on my situation. I won’t go into much detail, just the most important things. Physically I’m doing great. I’ve started working out again, although at a slower pace than before. With time, it will get better.
Separation really helped me a lot. Firstly, I might sound selfish, but I only worried about myself, so I did everything for myself. At first, it was a different feeling, I felt alone for the first time in a really long time and I needed a few days to get used to it. After I got used to it, it was actually quite nice. I got to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I bought myself a lot of things, redecorated a bit, changed some old things, and honestly, I liked it. There was no stress, no arguments, no problems. It was peaceful and quiet. I also got myself a cat, and the two of us get along really well.
I spoke to my wife on a weekly basis, we also went to a counselor, which really changed a lot of things. Whenever we went there, I laid all cards on the table. I was really honest, maybe too honest, and I said a lot of things that had accumulated over time, every annoyance, issue, pretty much everything I thought could be way better. My wife took the separation really hard. It was really bad. For the first few days, she was fine or she pretended to be, but as time progressed, it was clear she wasn’t doing well.
What I did was whenever we went to a counselor, I focused only on trying to figure out my marriage and issues with it, but as soon as I left the counselor, I checked out. Like a switch, I didn’t want to bring any of it home and disturb my peace. My wife also started individual therapy for her own mental health and issues that have been present for some time.
I asked her if she cheated on me, and honestly, I expected some outburst of rage or yelling, but there wasn’t any of it. She was really sweet and told me no, and that she understands why I might think that, and she offered her phone and her social media accounts for me to check. For some reason, I decided to be a dick, and I told her that maybe she deleted and covered her tracks, she has no proof of anything. Again, no yelling or anything, just a really sad look in her eyes. I realized that I went too far, and I apologized. Time passed, and I decided to let it go.
So I told her that I forgive her and that I will give her another chance. Honestly, I wanted some form of revenge, but while revenge might be sweet, everything after it is bitter. I also told her that I won’t forget her words. Anyway, she came back to my house, and everything changed. No longer am I doing most of the stuff, she now works just as hard, maybe even more than me, and she doesn’t allow me to do certain things, much to my annoyance.
We will continue going to a counselor for a little bit longer, and she is still going to her individual therapy. While I liked being alone, I truly missed her. I missed her hair, her smile, her eyes, and now I find myself looking at her and paying attention to everything she does. I guess separation made us appreciate each other way more than before. Maybe we took each other for granted, and we didn’t value each other until we split. I think we fell in love again. I can’t describe it, but each hug, each touch feels different, like it radiates with sincerity and love.
As for the future, I’m planning a trip in secret as a surprise, so we can go out of town for a few days, just the two of us. Time alone really helped me relax and not worry about unimportant things. I focused on myself and what I want, what I want my marriage to be, and my life. So now, I’m going to work towards that. We really learned to communicate much better than before, we became much more open towards each other, more vulnerable. I think it will help us going forward. I guess after all, it turns out that I’m not so easily replaceable.
Relevant Comments
DottedUnicorn:
Sounds like you were happier single? I’m not really clear why you went back to your wife. At any rate, good luck. Wish you the best.
OOP:
Indeed, I was, for a time, then I felt something was missing. People sometimes say things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment; she did it too. I think it was fair to both of us. Some time apart from each other really helped us figure out what each of us wants and what we mean to each other. Life is better when you get to share it with somebody.
Optimal-Super5784:
Happy to hear you guys are able to work things out! It was tough tunnel to go through but the relationship seems to have gotten stronger on the other side and that’s awesome. It was blessing in disguise.
OOP:
We are still working on it, and we will continue to do so. Things are way better than they used to be. There are still some differences/things we need to work on, or at least find a middle ground, which will probably be resolved in future counseling sessions.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP
