Are you radically different than your younger self? Are there key elements that have stayed the same? Most parts? Do you feel as if you’ve followed the “roadmap of life” or forged your own path? Have there been “chapters” or do things all sort of slide into one contiguous flow? Share what you’d like!
I love embracing change, but there are some things I still find challenging, particularly when it comes to forming close relationships. A lot of how I react and behave today is shaped by my early experiences. Growing up, ADHD wasn’t well understood, leading to harsh and toxic reactions from my own family. Facing constant verbal and sometimes physical abuse meant I had to learn how to defend myself from a very young age. This environment forced me to develop a quick, strong response to conflict—a mechanism that’s become a part of how I assert myself today. Even though I’ve grown a lot and tried to adopt healthier ways to handle stress, my defiant nature can still emerge when I’m under pressure. This often leads me to push people away before they can get too close, as a way to protect myself from potential hurt or betrayal.
Recognizing and working through this is a big part of my journey towards healing. I’m trying to understand these behaviors and, hopefully, change them for the better. However, it’s been a struggle to shake the feeling that I might not be capable of being truly loved, given how ingrained these defensive responses have become. My journey through life has been marked by significant challenges that have both shaped and tested me:
As a child, I faced severe misunderstandings about my ADHD. This chaotic environment, marked by multiple interventions by Child Protective Services (CPS), taught me to be fiercely independent and self-reliant. These qualities, while helping me navigate many of life’s challenges, have also made it difficult for me to form close personal relationships.
Due to these experiences, I find it challenging to follow instructions or requests without fully understanding the reasons behind them. This need for clarity and purpose is deeply rooted in my early years, where confusion and lack of understanding led to significant consequences. If I don’t see the logic or purpose behind an action, my immediate response is to question or resist it, a defense mechanism developed to protect myself from the unpredictability I faced during my formative years.
During my teen years, I faced continual challenges with acceptance both at home and at school, which eventually led to legal issues and incarceration. However, my release from detention became a pivotal moment for me. I met mentors who guided me toward a more positive direction, ultimately inspiring me to enlist in the Army.
My early to mid-20s brought some stability through the structured environment of military life. It was also during this period that I began sharing my life with a partner, learning about balance and mutual support in a relationship. While I had no problem getting close to others, my challenge often came in the form of defiance, a trait deeply rooted in my need to assert independence and protect myself from past vulnerabilities.
As I transitioned into my mid to late 20s, I moved into civilian life and pursued my passion for technology. This phase was crucial in building my self-esteem, as I found success and fulfillment in my career. However, my personal life sometimes struggled to keep pace due to my guarded nature, which often made me hesitant to fully open up in relationships.
My early to mid-30s marked a period of career advancement and significant life changes, including a major move supported by a new job. This time allowed me to establish myself professionally, but it also brought personal challenges. The death of my father and the impacts of the pandemic were profound, testing my emotional resilience and forcing me to confront and manage new waves of grief and stress.
Recently, I’ve dealt with professional burnout and personal loss, prompting a move back to St. Louis for a period of reassessment and new beginnings. This has given me a chance to reflect on my life and the patterns that have defined my relationships. Each chapter of my life has taught me about resilience, adaptation, and the importance of staying true to oneself. My life hasn’t been easy, but these experiences have shaped me into a more resilient and empathetic person. I’m still learning to navigate the complexities of love and intimacy, hoping to one day fully believe that I am worthy of being loved just as deeply as anyone else.
I started going to therapy, but then I lost my job. I’m planning to go back ASAP.
Hahahaha! My guy, I feel this so hard. Hahahaha! Aww man, I had this whole thing with my gal the other day. I was talking to her and I was like “Did you know spanking is abusive nowadays!?” And she was like, “It was abusive a bit before that.” And I was like “You mean, like the 00s? Like 20 years ago?” And she said “No, a bit longer than that.” And I was all like “REALLY!?” I mean idk, they spanked us all the time growing up. They’d be all like ‘get the belt’ and shit and then you had to go get the belt and…oh…! Okay, I see it now." And she was all like “exactly!” And then I went into this whole tangetal thing about switches and yada, yada. But anyways shit’s genetic right? I swear to god my father was ADHD because he had handwriting that looked like a crumpled towel. He always had to be “doing” something or “going” somewhere. And when that man was mad, hot damn you better get the fuck out of site. That man would throw punches, chairs or people - but something was getting tossed and we all made the rounds. We were getting checked on by CPS too, cause the school kept calling on us. But my dad could talk like liquid smoke. I mean that man was smooth. And he was personable and really got it on with most folks but us. So they’d come - do the dance (if we were around he would make us hide outta sight) and then leave and it was until next time.
My queer awakening was 10/10 my brilliant spark of joy. Cause I was out of the house (at 16) and I for sure as FUCK was living. Even if I was making BUNK. Even if I didn’t have SHITTTT - I had friends. I had poon. l had a gig that I could work. Life was good. I woulda gone to the military like you, cause I come from a military family. But legitimately Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was being plastered all over the joint and it just didn’t seem like a environment condusive to my being. I’m such a faggy flamingo and I laugh sometimes thinking about what all military service would have done to this little maggoty brain.
Sounds like whatever you did in the military worked well for you cause you landed with a structure, a partner, some friends (?), and the gi bill =P! Yo, you’re from MO? I seriously (seriously) know some of the sweetest folks from down there. I’ve got a lot of love for the Midwest as a whole, but hot damn there’s something about the location that can spark up some sweetness. I glossed over the dad stuff because I have had this kinda wonder how I’d feel when he dies kinda thing that floats by time to time. But ultimately we haven’t had a relationship in over twenty years. So I don’t really know or expect much. Eh!
It sounds like you did okay, even though it was a shit-sandwich the whole time.
I heard there’s a lot of burnout in tech around the 10 year mark. And I think that’s why a lot of people pivot from dev roles to management. Not that anything is easier, but I think you just get to use your brain a little less intensely. I also (although can’t prove it) think tech is becoming super ageist. Which is weird considering the more you’ve been around it the more you know? I think more so it’s because you don’t have to pay grunts nearly as much and the customers will buy/use what you’ve got even if it’s a taped together buggy mess.
You sound like you’ve been going through it again at the end there. Check out Open Path they might be able to cut you a deal. Look for someone who specializes in what you need - and you vibe with. Don’t get stuck with someone who doesn’t make you feel safe. I heard about this organization through milspouse and it might actually help you. I don’t think it hurts to reach out, and you might legit find a gig through it. I’ve also heard about this through milspouse too and while idk much about this one, you might actually be able to work for these guys though. Cause you’ve got gobs of experience and you probably know how to talk to people in a commanding way from what all I’ve read up there.
GL my dood! Keep your sparkle, keep going. Be careful if you’re dancing with the dark. Cause I heard men of your age and background can be of a certain risk to themselves. You know? So if you notice shit getting bad, find people you love and get them in your life yesterday. Okay?
Be well!
Thanks, I agree, it’s always been abusive, even in the 90s. My grandparents were the ones pushing him to do it, though. I remember overhearing a conversation between one of my grandparents and my dad when he was taking me to an alternative school one day. He actually pushed back on them, saying he didn’t want to do it. I saw him cry once when I asked him why he does it. He had a worse childhood than I did. My grandpa used to call him “fruit” a lot. But yeah, he clearly had ADHD and didn’t know about it. He had this whole system where he would write down anything he didn’t want to forget and he’d just cross it off the list as he got around to it. I saw my name on the list and crossed out once, lol. He never threw punches or anything like that. He’d just grab a belt after work if I got into trouble at school that day. There were more good times than bad; that’s why I always lied to CPS for him. I loved my dad and still do. It’s one of those situations where his dad was really abusive, he was kind of abusive, and I’ve sworn to never be like either of them. I’ve been compared to some Chaotic Good characters, and this is where the “good” comes from, I think. I decided early on to try and do what’s right regardless of what other people think due to the dynamics between my father and his father.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell turned into “Don’t Ask, Don’t Harass” once Obama got into office. I thought that was pretty cool. The structure was the best thing for me, honestly. I’ve been trying to recreate some of that, but it’s been hard. Like just now, I went for a run around the neighborhood like I used to do right after getting out of the military. It’s kind of dumb, but this is my favorite cadence to run to. Your left foot is supposed to hit the ground when they clap. It helps you forget about running.
The burnout was due to being on-call while simultaneously being underpaid. I wasn’t allowed to really go anywhere because if I missed a call, then my backup would get called, and that always seemed to cause issues. I had to work all day, and my evenings were usually filled with emergencies too. Many nights I’d be stuck on a bridge for 6+ hours when I should have been asleep because some service went down and it was all hands on deck until service was restored. After my dad died, and right as the pandemic was starting, I quit my job and basically took an extended vacation for the next 8 months until I felt back to normal. The next job was a dream come true, but it was temporary because I was on a 12-month contract (the contract got renewed once, so it turned out to be a two-year gig). I had another job after that which wasn’t a good fit, but I’m fully committed to DevOps-type work. I’d love to be a manager though, maybe I’ll look into that. Anyway, I could never get burnt out from this type of work because it truly is my passion. I’m planning to get two jobs this time and work both of them simultaneously. It’s called Overemployed. I’ve also started an educational website tailored for people with ADHD. It’s going to be gamified in a way that makes learning easier for people who have a learning disability. I was thinking I might apply for a government grant too just for some extra cash if I qualify. Tech seems ageist to me, but only because my coworkers have always been older than me.
I’ll check out those links you sent me. I’m mostly fine, just dealing with RSD from ADHD. It’s all in my head though. I’m trying to get over it with exercise, but I may have just gotten the push I need to really make a change. Those are just statistics, and I don’t feel like they apply to me. I’ve had plenty of counseling and training, and I know myself very well. I’m in a really good place mentally despite the hardships. Doesn’t mean I don’t struggle sometimes. I’m just lonely, not suicidal, ya know? Thanks for the concern, though.
And I’m not old yet =) You be well too
Oh yeah for sure this stuff comes from intergenerational trauma. My grandfather (not by blood, but by upbringing) was a horrible wretched soul. My grandmother was a saint, and I’d pop anyone who says otherwise =P! (Okay that was a joke, I pass a fist) But legit I heard this man was some kinda monster and I honestly do not know how many people he’s hurt big picture but I do know that his ripples can be felt even after his death. And I talked about this once before but it was crazy how all roads led to “fag” and men weren’t allowed to be or do anything for generations based on those limitations. Things have kinda changed, but it’s still not there. Aww man, my dad had levels of rage. I am still terrified of that man to this day. Even though I know logically - what’s he gunna do? But I can still go back there. But I mean I think we can do that with all sorts of emotions and memories are just kinda like that - you can go back to what you remember. And yeah, same here - if he was mad at something else hot damn he’d take it out on us. Was a mess. I am glad you reconnected and got to a place where you could sorta heal that image in your head and gain some more closure. I hear that’s the upside of all the chaos, but I think in my case I’m just gunna let sleeping dogs lie. Cause I really don’t have much else I can do. And the few times I have tried to reconnect with him over the phone he started getting mad a couple minutes in. Which stinks because one of my sibbies kinda has that flamey temp too. And they’re both bigguns’ (and I am the size of a pinkie =P!)
Hahaha, nah man - that running beat (which most def had to be inspired by call and response negro spirituals) is solid. I picked it up right off the bat. One of the only military folks I know now - that’s their thing too. They got out and all they do is run, helps them feel connected to things. But I think they listen to electronic stuff, but it could follow a similar beat you know? Structure is almost impossible to follow to a T with ADHD. I cheat by changing things up just enough that it doesn’t drive me bonkers. A simple example would be like going one road over on your circuit next week to see different things. Helps keeps stuff interesting.
Being on-call is a poop. I think you’re supposed to get paid extra for that, and people are on some bs because they’re always trying to figure out how to weasel the most “productivity” out of someone while paying them the absolute least they can get away with. Legit, it sounds like you know what you want. And it sounds like you’ve got tons of passion and energy. I straight heave (on the low-low) heard of a lot of devs smashing dual-gigs and raking in the cash then investing that and getting out of the rat-race early.
That ADHD site could be money, bc legit if you’ve got it you know how it is when you’re out here trying to learn and stuff is all over the place. One thing I will warn though, is that it seems there’s two camps. I NEED MORE INFORMATION ALL THE TIME NOW, NOW, NOW and - I need this cleaned up and in tiny bites please. I’d look into the science of it all but I do know that there’s a huge issue transfering short term -> long term so clean information is really important. I was reading this site based off an article I can’t seem to find anymore (???) cause the post is gone. But the design was so choice on mobile because it was so clean and easy to read. And I always get so frustrated trying to read stuff outside of “reader” mode because most designs are too much. And it’s why I like PieFed cause it’s relatively (the threads are a bit smooshed together horizontally so I don’t always get it) easy to read. But ne ways, you’re gunna be fine one way or another. If you have too much trouble flex your military and coding experience and utilize it to get a gig. Cause sometimes you gotta use your edge to get ahead if the fish aren’t biting. And it’s pretty rough right now all things considered.
My guy, I hope you find your something. I can’t even imagine what life would be like riding high on testosterone. I’d probably smash every bone in my body at some point. I’m glad I am just impassioned and not blindly raging. Cause legitimately, things have for sure gotten crunchier out there and it takes some real strength to realize how unimportant so much of it is. Yo, you seem like a real character foreals. You ever think about getting in to some kinda martial arts? Cause one guy I met who was an old-dog former military type had those fabulous cauliflower ears (you know which ones I’m talking about) but he seemed calmer than anything. And maybe finding your way to something like that might legit connect you to that primal thing you liked about the military =)! Also the reason why I said what I said is because I know PTSD is a bitch and legitimately I’ve heard both young men and military men kill themselves are a higher rate than others and I just wanted to say keep yourself safe cause you seem like a good guy who’s going through it and I know when you’re going through it stuff can get cloudy.
I know you’re not old, hahahaha! But I also know you’re not a spring chicken =)! Always fun to talk to you, my brother hahahaha!
Thank you for opening up and sharing such deeply personal parts of your history. It really resonates with me, as my relationship with my dad evolved in ways that are both similar and distinct from yours. While my father also had a strict and intimidating side during my early years, much of that was influenced by my grandfather, who pushed him to be that way. However, as I grew older, our relationship changed significantly.
During my teen years, my dad shifted from that authoritarian figure to someone I could genuinely connect with. He became the “cool dad,” and our bond strengthened as he started to reverse course on his earlier strictness. He let me throw parties at home, mostly when he wasn’t around, and often came home to a house full of people. It was wild, lots of weed, alcohol, and yet he mostly took it in stride. He even had a jar full of condoms in the kitchen at one point, not that I needed that many, lol. It was his way of showing trust and support, which went a long way in healing the wounds from his earlier parenting style.
While my dad and I grew closer, my grandma and mom were always kind and supportive figures in my life. Their warmth balanced out the harsher moments and gave me a sense of stability.
I really understand where you’re coming from with the complexities of deciding when to reconnect or when to maintain distance in those relationships. It’s never easy, but I hope that sharing our stories can help us both feel a bit more understood in our journeys.
Hahaha, I totally get what you’re saying about the running beat, there’s definitely a call-and-response vibe there, and it’s cool how different things like that can connect us. Running really is a great way to stay grounded, and it makes sense that your military friend finds that connection through it, even if their music choice leans more electronic. Structure can be a real challenge with ADHD, so I totally relate to the need to mix things up. I’m always craving change, too, whether it’s taking a different route or just switching up my routine, it keeps things interesting and manageable.
As for being on-call, yeah, it’s definitely a grind. I was supposed to be paid extra for that, but the company never followed through, and I only found out about the legal requirements after I’d already moved on. By then, I was just glad to close that chapter and didn’t care too much. But it’s frustrating how companies try to squeeze out as much as they can without fairly compensating people. I completely agree with the idea of pulling off dual gigs, stacking cash, and investing to get ahead of the rat race. If you’re looking into that, you might find this community really helpful.
You’re spot on about the two camps with ADHD—either needing all the information at once or wanting it in clean, bite-sized pieces. That balance is definitely something I’m focused on. I’m aiming to create a design that caters to both needs, making sure the content is organized, clear, and easy to navigate, especially on mobile. It’s frustrating when you’re trying to learn something and the design just gets in the way, so I’m putting a lot of thought into keeping things as clean and readable as possible, even without “reader” mode.
I totally get why you like PieFed. Clean design makes all the difference, even with a few quirks. As for the job market, yeah, it’s rough out there, but I’m ready to flex my experience. You’re right, sometimes you’ve got to use whatever edge you have to make things work.
But honestly, it’s not about the money for me. I have a real passion for Linux, which is going to be the main focus of the website at first. With ADHD, I know how tough it can be to learn, everything I know is self-taught. That’s why this project is so important to me. I want to create something that makes learning easier for others like me. I’m committed to keeping the website free for everyone, and I’m looking into applying for grants to cover the costs so that it stays accessible to anyone who needs it.
Yoooasf;klahflkhfafksh!!! Legit like a freakin’ lightbulb here! I mean this might be absolutely bonkers but what if you could switch the way things are displayed like “light/dark” mode and create an accessibility revolution!? Then just code things to hide or show depending on what the individual selects. And you can set a default view in your profile? Idk, maybe that’s like trite, but I feel like if more sites offered cleaned up minimal views I would use them. That gucci mobile view is so choice. When I see a readable mobile site it’s like butter to my eyes because it’s so easy to read and I’ve got one of those Amoled screens (and a phone bigger than my hand =_o!) so it looks so slick!
10/10 you can get those grants. You can also get help building it if you need by checking out cool websites like this one that are run by exceptional human beings. But it’s also totally cool if that doesn’t sit well with you. And 100% learning things can be brutal because we both need an incredible amount of guidance but also the space to learn our own way. And I know my ass learns, thinks, communicates most def differently than others because <<<< Look at all this =P! I’m hyped for you though, seriously. You ever need someone to toss stuff around, I’m here =)!
I use the Catppuccin theme for everything. Here’s a list of apps they support—maybe you use some of these already?
Loving the light/dark mode suggestion! It ties in perfectly with the deeper accessibility features I’m developing, especially for users with ADHD, autism, and sensory sensitivities.
I’m starting with the Catppuccin color palette for uniformity across the platform. High-contrast modes will be designed to support various types of color blindness, ensuring the platform is navigable for everyone. Color adjustments will be tailored to enhance readability and interaction for conditions like Deuteranopia and Monochromacy. Additionally, all interactive elements will comply with WCAG 2.1 AA standards, ensuring they are keyboard navigable and screen reader friendly. If you want to see how slick this can look, especially on Amoled screens, check out this interactive demo of Catppuccin on TailwindCSS. It’s smooth and totally aligns with the ‘gucci mobile view’ you love!
And hey, if you’re down, I could really use a hand turning these ideas into reality. Your insight could be just what’s needed to make sure everything clicks just right. We both know how unique our learning and thinking styles are, and getting your perspective would be invaluable, especially since this project is all about creating spaces that adapt to individual needs.
Seriously hyped to possibly collaborate with you on this. Let’s chat more and see how we can shake things up together =P