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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-06-28 04:11:06+00:00.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/throwawayteen_06. She posted in r/AskDocs, r/UnsentLetters and r/LifeAdvice

Thanks to u/chromaticluxury for finding this and recommending it.

I have OOP’s permission to share her posts.

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Please read trigger warnings as this is a dark post.

Trigger Warnings: child abuse; child neglect; giving a child medication they do not need; eating disorder; illness from eating disorder; appendix removal

Mood Spoiler: incredibly sad, but OOP is getting help

Original Post: June 14, 2024

18F 5’7 98lbs

This is a throwaway account because I don’t want anyone to know… I guess I should include a TW for my crappy childhood and stuff. This is really long. I’m sorry.

I turned 18 4 days ago. I’m leaving to go to college out of state in Minnesota in like a month but I’m in alabama right now. I moved out and I’m living with my friend and her parents for right now because my parents are getting divorced and it’s ugly, so I’m safe in my environment.

I have an appointment with my pediatrician I’ve had since birth before I go to college for a physical…and I’ve been debating if I want to admit some things to her or not now that I’m an adult. Two things, actually. Or three I guess. And I have questions about what’s going to happen if I do. I’m really anxious and I’m starting to tear up even thinking about it.

Basically my doctor thinks I’m just naturally underweight and that I’m happy and healthy and stuff, but I’ve been intentionally keeping my weight low since I was about 10. My mom was worried when I hit puberty that I would get overweight like her and that I was eating too much junk and so she taught me to count calories. For years she would make me wear a rubber band on my wrist and snap it on the inside of my arm anytime I wanted to eat to try and teach me to not want to eat basically. She taped pictures of fat people on snack boxes and would make me weigh myself every morning to decide how many calories I could have. She’s even tried to get me to smoke cigarettes with her before because she said it would kill my appetite. She told me I’m lucky because others girls don’t have moms who care about them and how they look, but the older I’ve gotten the more it seems like this is actually really awful of her. She’s always made me feel bad. I see videos on TikTok about almond moms and it seems like her.

I’ve never had my period. Ever. I lied to my doctor and said I got it but I haven’t. I don’t know if that’s normal but I think it’s probably not by now. My mom keeps saying I’m a late bloomer.

I think I might be anorexic. And I’m really, really tired. My hair is coming out and I’m so pale and my head always hurts and my heart feels heavy in my chest when I’m exercising. I get dizzy when I stand. I’m anemic, and my doctor asked if I was having heavy periods and I said yes because I didn’t know what else to say so that was a lie too and she thinks that’s why I’m anemic. Sometimes I even faint. I was supposed to take a teen vitamin but my mom said they are full of chemicals and fillers and would make me sick so I haven’t gotten one. I can’t sleep unless I smoke weed no matter how tired I am. My doctor doesn’t know I smoke either. My mom would be pissed if she knew because she said pot is for lazy people.

I just want all this to stop but I don’t know how. I tried eating more but I panic if I go over 750 calories a day and there’s only like 5 foods that are safe, and I’m afraid to drink anything that isn’t clear. I’m scared and I can’t live like this. But I’m afraid of what will happen if I tell my doctor. Will she be mad at me? Will she yell at me for lying? Can I get help figuring out how to eat without being scared but not have to go in a hospital? I don’t want to lose my place at college. I worked SO hard for my scholarship. Will I have to gain weight? Will they tell my parents now that I’m 18? Can I be forced into anything? Will I get in trouble for the weed? Im just lost and scared and trying to figure this out because I don’t want to be like this anymore.

TL;DR now that I’m 18 what happens if I admit to my pediatrician that I smoke weed, I’m probably anorexic, and I’ve never had a period.

Thank you to anyone with advice

Relevant Comments:

Editor’s note: OOP gets a lot of answers to her questions about confidentiality in the comments, but I only included a few of her responses. Ultimately, docs were divided on what Alabama law might require or allow as far as not telling her parents.

Commenter: I can’t say for sure but talk with the office about it because they will know the laws. Medical consent in Alabama is 14 years old, which means a minor 14 and older can consent to healthcare without their parents/guardians. This doesn’t necessarily imply confidentiality, but it’s worth asking, especially at your age.

OOP: Wait really? Does that mean at 14 I could’ve said I didn’t want my mom in the appointment with me? She told me it wasn’t allowed until after I was married to make her leave

Commenter: What would happen if you didn’t get married until you’re 35. Would you be 35 with your Mom still able to control everything? You can ask her to not be there.

OOP: Oh. I’m sorry. I guess that was a really stupid thing to believe. I didn’t even think about that far ahead :/ she just blew up the one time I asked her if I could go alone and I didn’t ask again

In response to a longer comment:

Thank you. I really did want to believe her. The last year or so I got on TikTok and Reddit and I’ve been seeing things that just make me really confused about how she treats me and that’s how I figured out that my eating wasn’t normal. She’s really nice sometimes though, she’ll braid my hair before bed and she does my chores for me when I have a lot of homework and she makes me tea when I’m not feeling good. It’s just hard to put the two sides together. I thought the easiest way would just be to get far away

On going to college and eating there:

I am going to be on campus, in a dorm. I have a meal plan, I was required to get one, but honestly the idea of eating in a giant cafeteria and having to go through a line really fast with all those people around makes me feel sick to my stomach so I wasn’t going to use it. I thought maybe I could just eat in my room

Commenter: If you have specific dietary needs—and you do—you should be able to get your food arranged ahead of time so you can get it to go or pick it up in a separate line, at least some of the time.

OOP: That would be really helpful. I just get really overwhelmed when there’s a lot of choices and people and noise and it takes me forever to choose and I hate being watched when I eat

Editor’s Note: OOP posted the same post in a different sub- I’m only including one comment:

Commenter: You should absolutely tell your doctor. Your mom encouraged you to have an eating disorder. That’s abusive. (By the way, have you ever read I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jenette McCurdy? Her mom did the same stuff to her growing up. It was an eye opening book to read.) 750 calories is not enough for you and that’s why you haven’t started your period yet. You do have an eating disorder. You need treatment from a physician and therapy to relearn that eating is not bad.

OOP: Thank you. I haven’t read the book yet but I loved watching Sam and Cat when I was younger. Do you think I’ll ever get my period? Is it too late? I’m worried I ruined that forever

OOP Comments an hour later (Same Day)

Thank you for answering all my questions. I can’t believe I ended up turning to reddit but I wasn’t sure where else to go. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I’m so tired all the time and I feel like everything around me is far away. I don’t ever feel happy, I just know when I’m supposed to look like it. I worked so hard for my scholarship so I could get as far away as possible and it’s the only thing I’ve ever been proud of or done right and I’m just so afraid if I admit what’s going on that I would lose it and get stuck here

Mini Update in Comments (3 hours later)

To update everyone- Thank you for the advice. I ended up going to the ER a town over, alone. I turned off my location on my phone and I didn’t give them any emergency contacts so I should be able to be here without anyone finding out hopefully. I told the check in lady everything. The nurse said my vitals aren’t very good and my heart rate hasn’t been over 50 since I’ve been here and my ekg was kind of weird and my potassium is 1.4 [OOP clarifies she meant 2.4] so they want to keep me overnight and have me get fluids, so I’m here now. They said I’ll have a social worker too so maybe they can help me figure out keeping my parents out of things. The doctor was really nice and said he would contact my doctor and we would figure things out

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Holy shit. Are you sure it was 1.4? I…

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1dqatkf/what_will_happen_if_i_am_honest_with_my/

  • SpacehooksEnglish
    1·
    5 days ago

    OOP Commented on this post:

    Hi. I’m the OOP. I don’t think I have the vocabulary for how blown away I am right now. It is absolutely surreal that so many people who don’t know me at all have taken the time to write thoughtful advice, encouragement, and kindness. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so warm in my life. 🥹

    This has been the weirdest, most confusing, intense and disorienting two weeks of my life, but I’m okay with that because I think otherwise it might’ve been my last two weeks. I only felt brave enough to post my questions because I was finally 18 and I thought maybe I could get help without my parents having to know or be involved at all.

    I also want to add I can’t take full credit for taking myself to the ER. After my original post someone who is a board certified psychiatrist reached out to me and told me I needed to go to the emergency department. He even helped me figure out which one to go to. I’m not sure I would’ve done that otherwise- I didn’t realize how serious my situation was even though I’d been having chest pain for weeks and feeling unwell. His advice is what made me go that night. I appreciate the comments on my bravery, but truthfully it wasn’t my idea. I also had some people reach out from my original post that have been encouraging helping me navigate how completely unsteady and intense this has been, and riding out the fear and guilt. Without that, I’m not sure I would’ve stayed in the hospital. I probably would’ve gone home. The internet is truly amazing.

    Currently, I’m on my way to treatment. I know it’s where I need to be, but I’m nervous. All this positivity has really made me feel so much better and even excited for the future.

    I figured I would address/answer a couple things that kept coming up in the comments.

    • My dad My dad was gone a lot on business trips. I don’t think he understood the entire extent of things (I didn’t either though) but I did sometimes hear him and my mom fighting, and he would say things to the effect of “you’re going to fuck her up and make her vain”. At some point he got a call from social services about me and he ignored them. He chose to believe my mom’s version of events, so he’s out of the picture. Legally neither of my parents are my guardians anymore.

    -Legal Stuff I was told that in Alabama there is a part of the law about mandated reporting that includes 18 year olds if they are at immediate risk of danger and don’t qualify for adult services. That’s the part that caused the hospital to report my situation to social services. There’s a legal protective order in place. If my mom tried to find me or contact me, they haven’t told me. I think they’ve been trying to shield me from that. I have mixed feelings but I’m kind of trying to just let the people trying to help, help and not think about that too much because it makes me feel guilty. I didn’t want to punish them. I just wanted to feel better.

    -On college The social worker and case worker are figuring out setting up supports for college and who needs to be informed of my situation as well as making it harder to figure out where I am, so someone is on that.

    -My documents I’m just going to have to get new ones, basically. Which is probably safer anyway. I never even saw my own SSN card.

    -Getting therapy I’m going to a treatment center for eating disorders, I’ll have a therapist and when I finish inpatient and move to outpatient I’ll still keep having therapy

    -Winter Gear I’m definitely planning to get some……once I know what size I’m going to need it in 🫣 recommendations for where to get it and what brands are warmest very welcome. I’m told when I gain weight I won’t feel so cold but I’m not sure I buy it.

    -health effects I had a bone density scan. It had a z score of -2 and they said I have osteopenia but it’s treatable. I’m also still growing, apparently. My EKGs still aren’t normal but they’re better. I got appendicitis and then shortly after, the flu. Probably from being in a hospital full of sick people, which kind of affected my eating and weight gain so my weight dropped a bit more but I’m feeling better and working on it more! I’ll also say that even in spite of that, getting tube fed and being able to eat more things and not just almonds and fruit and rice cakes definitely cleared a lot of the fog in my head. I can think in complete thoughts again, and I feel like it’s easier to access words.

    -Making sure I don’t end up dating someone awful Currently, I have no desire to date anyway. I want to get my footing on this tightrope before I try to walk it holding hands, so to speak. I appreciate the concern about it though, it’s a good point. I just need to sort my own stuff out first, and I don’t want to do that with an audience who has expectations of me.

    -Support for my scholarship and my writing Thank you 🥹 I don’t even know what else to say because nothing feels adequate. You all made me tear up. Maybe I will write a book.

    -On updating When I’m all better, strong, and doing things I didn’t think I could I promise to update :) someday I want a little space of my own with a dog, a piano, and a garden. And a pantry full of snacks.

    -Other people struggling in the comments There were a lot of people with similar situations and I just wanted to say this one thing- for me, doing what was better for me and objectively the right thing didn’t feel like the right thing. I had to do it in spite of how counterintuitive it felt and how guilty I felt. Sometimes the right thing doesn’t feel like it. Also, you’ll feel a lot better when you start getting better. Focus on the way your brain goes back online instead of the way you can suddenly feel every hurt you’ve ever neglected. I’m told it gets better but only if you don’t stop.

    From the very bottom of my slow-beating-but-healing heart, Thank you. I think this is the first time in my life I haven’t wished I was invisible

    ​

    Editor’s note 2: Thanks everyone for all of the comments and advice. In order to not completely overwhelm OOP with info, I’m going to keep a list of advice and then create a google doc for her and organize things by subject. I read all comments so I’ll get there, but it might take me a bit! I’m glad to be a part of this community 💜