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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/swtogirl on 2024-06-22 12:29:42+00:00.
I am not OOP. OOP is u/Starry__lights and they posted in r/AmIOverreacting
Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.
Trigger Warning: Theft, possible infidelity
My (44 f) husband (45m) took out a loan and won’t explain it. I can’t get past it: is this worthy of divorce? March 24, 2024 (Original post was deleted, but recovered)
I share an account with my husband (20 yrs married) and bills come out. We have specific rules about how much we can spend. Well, 2 weeks ago I saw that there was a 4200 transfer into the account from a bank or loan company. 4100 immediately was cash apped to an unknown woman.
1st he lied and said he applied for a furniture loan but didn’t go through. After I called the loan company and they confirmed it did go through, I asked him again. Then he said it was for a side hustle but he didn’t actually take it.
Neither sounds believable. I can’t get to the truth and I feel like I am an idiot. I also see other cash apps to this woman, not just the 4100. The more I write this… I realize it’s serious and already know I am the idiot. How do I make him tell me?
Relevant Comments:
Lying about money and where it’s going is definitely a one-way ticket to divorce-ville. Either he tells you the truth or you need to get out now.
You cannot make him tell you. You send the evidence to an attorney and you ask him of he wants to work on saving this (assuming that u want).
Then, you’ll plan the rest of your one wild and beautiful life.
I’m author. U guys have all validated everything I been thinking. If u can’t tell I hate confrontation. He’s a cop and loves confrontation. I’ll try to get the courage to change banks today. Wish me luck.
You don’t have to confront him.
You already have him an opportunity to be honest and he lied to your face.
A confrontation is only going to make things worse. Start working on your exit plan quietly. Pretend like nothing is wrong. Get your ducks in a row, and then one day when he is at work, leave and have him served with the paperwork.
He doesn’t deserve to know your plans. Don’t give him any opportunities to stop you.
Don’t confront
I would go to the bank and ask for a “financial Snapshot”. It’s essentially a screenshot of the current balance of all of your accounts at this date and time
I would also see a lawyer in the next couple of days to ensure you take the correct steps in moving forward
Don’t let your husband know in the meantime as he’ll hide more funds.
Stay quiet
The responses are pretty harsh, but real. from a woman’s perspective who has been married over 40 years, there is no salvaging this relationship. Your husband has gone too far. He wanted to be caught because he used the joint account and when caught he first lied and now refuses to explain. You have changed your direction deposit, good start. Now get a lawyer. You can move half of the bill money from your new account manually (take out cash) into the old joint account until the legalities are resolved. There is no saving this marriage; whatever he is into is too hurtful and shameful to him and you will not be able to forgive him for how he has gaslighted you. If it is sorted out during the divorce and you still want to try to reconcile afterwards, it will be a whole new relationship. The old one is dead; killed by his deception.
Update June 15, 2024
So I posted a few months ago (now deleted) that my spouse took out a loan of 4100 and immediately cash-apped it to a woman. I could see the transactions in our joint account easily. When I asked him about it he lied for weeks saying that he was buying an aquarium, then saying he put it into a side hustle but I disproved each of these explanations by investigating the weird stories and calling the furniture store and eventually he admitted he was giving a girl money.
After a deeper dive into our accounts, I found out he’s given this girl a total of 6400 over the course of 8 months now. I’m just so annoyed & angry since we’ve been married 22 yrs and it’s all ending over these lies… I actually know the girl. She was a coworker of my husband’s 5 yrs ago. They both swear it’s platonic & she just needed the money. He literally said I didn’t tell you because I knew you would be mad. She’s even called me “to explain“ and texted me bible verses about forgiveness. Idc about anything they say. I make 2x what he makes so I will likely pay alimony–I may even have to move out of my own GD house. He was taking my own money to “help” her. Sooooo freakin unbelievable.
Update: adding some info… so husband had a vasectomy 16 yrs ago and rechecked 6 months later. I’ve seen medical recs. It’s probably not an affair baby. I thought I would add that the original way I met this other woman, we’ll call her Bee, was when my husband asked me to write her a character reference after she came to work under the influence. They wanted rehab instead of job loss. Yes, I did it. No, it didn’t work & she was still fired. She’s trouble. On the other hand, she has been paying the payments on the loan of 4100.
The reason I said I may have to move out is my lawyer floated the idea —instead of giving up half my retirement— I could sell the house and give him half the profit. I have a large retirement that’s worth way more than the house equity. Yes, I’m pretty serious about divorce because of all the lies & secrecy. I also have a very strong feeling that there is more that I don’t know.
Relevant Comments:
He literally said I didn’t tell you because I knew you would be mad.
And how did that work out for him?
You are not over reacting.
Find a good divorce lawyer.
Hire a good damn lawyer and hell no you are not overreacting.
Also they are both so damn full of shit. Ain’t no guy in the world giving a girl that much without getting something for it.
Talk to a lawyer. Do not move out until you do so (unless you have any fear or even an inkling question about your safety and if that’s the case get somewhere safe immediately) as it may be considered abandoning the homestead, but there are steps you can take to protect your finances that should be done immediately.
- If you have joint bank accounts, put 1/2 in an account he can’t access.
- Freeze your credit at all three credit reporting agencies - Transunion, Experian, and Equifax. This is critical if he is borrowing money to give to his “platonic” AP. You can do this online and do it immediately.
- Get your important documents secured in a safe or safe deposit box he can’t access.
- Check all credit card balances for any suspicious activity- cancel any joint cards so he can’t put you on the hook for balances that he runs up.
- Tell someone you trust what’s happening and let him know that you’ve done so - you’ve mentioned he’s a cop and his behavior you describe is dishonest and highly sus.
F forgiveness (fake Christians like AP sure are big on forgiveness bible verse when they want it - but will never give it). Fight him in court, but if you have to pay him alimony, it will be the best money you’ll ever spend even though it may be irksome (it was for me)
This just sucks and is really quite unbelievable. S…
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1·5 days ago