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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-06-20 04:01:04+00:00.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Tough_Measurement345

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (38M) SAHW (40F) has been treating our Son (12M) poorly and favoring our Daughter (9F) ever since I complimented his cooking. How should I handle this?

Trigger Warnings: favoritism, golden child syndrome, emotional abuse and manipulation, verbal abuse, overdose, possible mental health issues

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Original Post: April 8, 2024

My wife has always been the one to cook around the house, and as an Italian, it’s one of the reasons I fell so hard for her. I’ve offered to help out in the kitchen or even cook for her sometimes, but she’s always firmly, yet politely, told me no and I can’t really blame her because I did NOT get either of my parents’ good cooking genes. Because of this I’ve always been sure to thank her for every meal and I’ve taught my children to do the same.

For the past year or so my son has been watching a ton of cooking videos on youtube and tiktok and he’s really been wanting to try his hand at cooking. My wife was happy to teach him and at least twice a week the two of them will go out to the store, buy ingredients for a meal he found on tiktok and come home and make it. It’s been awesome seeing them bonding more, since they haven’t really had much overlap in interests before this.

About a month ago after dinner, my son asked his mom if he could try making us all a meal on his own. I said it sounded like a great idea, and she hemmed and hawed for a little while before agreeing. So that Saturday she took him to the store to get his ingredients and then he got to work. She supervised here and there, but he insisted that she didn’t need to so eventually she came to the living room and sat with my daughter and I looking a little bit dejected, so I reassured her that I was sure he’ll still wanna cook with her, he just wanted to try it out on his own. That seemed to help out a little but she still seemed a little off.

When he finished and we all sat down to eat, I was honestly surprised at just how good he managed to do on his own. I feel bad saying it but even after a year or so of cooking with his mother, I expected him to mess up more than he did. I wanted to encourage this interest of his so I was sure to let him know while I was eating how good he did, and gently bring up the few mistakes he had made. I did it a lot more than I usually would with my wife’s cooking, and in hindsight I can see that that’s what started all of this.

His sister, being his little sister, was not as supportive as I was, and quite rudely insulted his cooking. I was going to tell her to mind her manners and be thankful that he cooked for us when my wife made a sound and pushed her plate away, before agreeing and saying that it was too salty and overcooked. This took me aback, and I could tell my son took it hard too, as his mood visibly dropped. I didn’t say anything at the time, since my wife and I never argue in front of the kids, and I just kept up the praise of my son’s cooking as his mother picked at the plate for a little while longer before she took her and our daughter’s plates to the kitchen.

A little while later, I had went to check on my son, and I could tell that he had been crying, so I comforted him, told him I was sure his mother loved the food and that she was probably just having a bad day, not to take it personally. Then later, once the kids were asleep, I confronted her about it, and she tried to just brush it off, but I pushed and she got mad and said that I complimented his cooking far more than I ever complimented hers. This caught me off guard, since I didn’t expect my wife to be jealous of our son, and I unfortunately let out an involuntary scoff at this. She blew up at me for laughing, and we ended up arguing for a while before eventually I managed to explain that I was complimenting him so much because I wanted to encourage him to keep cooking, and she even admitted that she shouldn’t have been so harsh about it. She said she would apologize to him and I figured that everything was settled.

That Monday, when I was driving my son to school, I noticed he wasn’t acting normal, and looking out the window, trying to hide his face from me. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me he was fine, but I could tell he was fighting back tears so I asked him again and he broke and told me that after I had left to get the car started, she told him that she was going to be cooking alone again from now on. I was furious about this, but kept my cool and told him I would talk to her about it, bought him a snack from the store before dropping him off at school.

I left work early so I could get home before the kids and talk to my wife. I’ll admit I didn’t handle it as well as I could have and we ended up in a shouting match where I was calling her childish for being so vindictive towards our son because she was upset with me, and she called him a baby and said he shouldn’t be so sad about not being allowed to cook since it wasn’t a man’s job to do so anyway. We ended up leaving each other alone to cool down, and when our kids got home, my wife took our daughter out, and came back later with a load of toys and clothes for her.

I knew immediately what she was trying to do, and that night I told her that I would not let her use the money I make for our family to punish my son. She didn’t take this well and we ended up arguing again. I slept in the guestroom, and have been up to this point. For this past month my wife has kept up this vindictive showering of our daughter with attention and gifts, while almost entirely ignoring my son. I’ve been talking to my parents and brother about this, and while they agree that she’s wrong, they also don’t see it as that big of a problem and think it’ll sort itself out. At this point, with how she’s been treating our son, I’m starting to fall out of love with her, but I also don’t want to just jump to divorce if there’s something that I can do to fix this whole situation.

I can honestly say that we’ve never had a fight this big. Sure, we bicker every now and then, but she’s never taken that out on my son in the past. I feel responsible and guilty about what happened, and I’ve been trying to do nice things for my son, when I can, but I also don’t want to mirror my wife’s behavior so I’ve also been taking my daughter with us about half the time we go places, but whenever we do, she’s been very rude and always talks about all the stuff her mother does for her lately, because she knows it bothers her brother.

Seeing the way my wife has been treating our son has made me second guess our marriage, but I don’t want to just jump straight to divorce either. Any advice on what I should do, or how to best bring up the topic of therapy would be appreciated.

Relevant Comments

OOP on having conversations with his wife about their son’s feelings and OOP’s concerns on her behaviors

OOP: Thank you very much. I’ve tried talking with her about the whole situation multiple times, but she’s very quick to dismiss me and my concerns, so hopefully using some of these ideas you’ve given me can help.

Quite frankly the whole “Cooking is a woman’s job” thing really blew my mind, since she’s never said anything like that before, and even used to fight with her mother about those kinds of comments when MIL would make them about our daughter and nieces. I’m unsure if she genuinely feels that way, or was just pulling stuff out of the air in the heat of the moment.

OOP on taking other routes before deciding on the divorce

OOP: I want to at least give Counseling a fair shot before I pull that trigger. This has legitimately been the first time she’s ever shown this kind of attitude so I want to give her a chance to see the err of he ways. That being said, if she’s unwilling to even try counselling then yes, my next step will be filing for divorce.

OOP on having his son staying somewhere else instead of his wife

OOP: I understand this, and I’ve already weighed the pros and cons. Letting him stay at someone else’s house isn’t going to do much good in this situation. He’s not going to suddenly forget the way that his mother has been acting to him because he’s under a different roof. I don’t think that removing him from his home and his room where all of his belongings are is worth the possible benefits, especially when it could seem to him like I’m just removing him from the house so that things will be easier going around here.

It’s also not like he’s stuck in the house 24/7. He’s a very social kid, and he’s been spending a lot of time hanging out with friends/sleeping over. He’s had time away from his mother, and he has not seemed hesitant to come home at all.

OOP’s thoughts on if his wife resents their son so much after his love for cooking started

OOP: That’s what’s really been sticking with me the most. I don’t understand why she’s been acting this way. She’s always had a very strong maternal instinct, didn’t go through PPD with either of our children, which was surprising to me because both of our mothers went through it with all of their children, not that it’s genetic …

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