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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-06-05 04:00:05+00:00.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/No-Taro-7338

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest + r/relationship_advice + r/AmItheAsshole

I just found out that my husband of 10 years has never loved me

Previous BoRU #1 posted by u/Big-Experience-3640 + BoRU #2 posted by u/Longjumping-Rub-8611

Trigger Warnings: possible financial abuse, property damage, abuse, emotional abuse, hostile workplace, exploitation, physical violence, major medical issues

Original Post: May 3, 2022

My whole world is crashing right now. I never thought that this could happen to me. I am deeply in love with my husband and I thought he loved me too.

My husband Sam and I met after college at a book club. We fell in love and married a year later right out of college. I honestly though that my life was a dream come true. He was kind and silly and he made me feel loved.

I found out last week that my husband never loved me. I overheard Sam talking to his friend on FT when he thought I couldn’t hear. His friend was congratulating Sam on bagging me, because “I’m loaded”. That’s not true. Though I make a decent living and my parents recently had some success in their business abroad, I don’t make nearly enough to be considered wealthy, perhaps upper middle class at best. It’s not like I can quit my job tomorrow and be set for life. I’m a financial analyst and make $300K working 70 hours a week. Sam is a customer service advisor for a bank and makes $50K working 35 hours a week.

Edit: Yes, I was in investment banking out of college. Sam has had this job for 4 months. He has a spotty work history due to not getting along with his bosses.

Sam then said that all his planning paid off and he’d live the easy life. His friend added that he couldn’t imagine being married to me, waking up to my face. I’ve never been very attractive, I’m very skinny and have a thin face and a wide nose, but Sam made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Sam just laughed and said “it’s easy when you have the mindset.” I pretended I didn’t hear and went back upstairs and just lied in bed.

I’ve been sleeping on the couch with the excuse of working late and not disturbing him. Every time, I’ve woken up in our bed with him cuddling me. I don’t feel loved. I feel used. I don’t know what to do.

Comments

OOP on if she had a prenup with her husband

We don’t have a prenup. I regret it.

OOP on why their earnings are not enough to live comfortable in their area

I know it’s far more than most Americans, but it’s not enough for someone to lie for 10 years about. He could have found anyone else.

It’s definitely not enough to be truly wealthy, just comfortable. If he wanted to bag someone could he have not found someone else? He didn’t have to lie to me and say he loved me . It is comfortable. Just not wealthy. When I think of wealthy, I think of people who don’t have to work for a living.

I have serious medical conditions that cost a lot of money, partially exacerbated by my work life. I used to work 80-100 hour weeks. Plus, I had been paying off my husband’s student loans of $80,000 as well as our mortgage. I do not have student loans because I (thankfully) earned a scholarship.

I grew up in poverty on food stamps and I’m terrified of going back to that life.

Edit: and his credit card debt

OOP responded to multiple redditors telling her to divorce her husband as he was using her

I have honestly resigned myself to a life alone if I do divorce my husband. No one has expressed any interest in me. The only time I was asked out was as a joke.

I had a friend in college who shared my interests and my hobbies and was fun. I was in love with him. I was short and very skinny and he was my height and quite chunky and we had a in group nickname based on that. When our friends would say we looked like a couple he would make gagging noises and say it’s disgusting but in a joking way. when I got the courage to ask him out, he laughed himself sick.

Edit: I am unattractive and have serious health conditions. I am statistically unlikely to find another husband. It’s alright. I’d rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t love me.

OOP on how she got a job at 19 and earning so much

I graduated at 19 and had a very well paying job. To the tune of 6 figures. I grew up in poverty on food stamps so this was a dream for me. My parents only very recently had success with their business back in their home country. We are immigrants.

Sam was kind of broke because of bad financial habits. he had been financially cut off from his parents who were middle class. He had $80000 of student loans (I’ve paid off over half) and $20,000 of credit card debt (which I’ve also paid off)

OOP on an example when she overheard her husband’s conversation with his friend

Sam and his friend were talking about an upcoming trip to Prague we were going to book. I was paying for it. That was what sparked the whole conversation on “bagging a free ride”

He laughed when his friend said those hurtful, but accurate things about my appearance. His friend made more comments on how Sam could stand to wake up to me.

I was also hurt because his friend had always been very nice to me before.

It would have been nice if Sam said he stayed with me for something other than my salary. For him, I’m apparently an easy grift. . You’re probably right. My husband insists that the conversation never happened, he never said anything, and that I was hallucinating due to stress.

I felt hurt because I thought the friend was a nice person. He had been quite kind and welcoming before. Though I am not attractive, there was no need to insult me like that if I heard correctly.

They were talking about our upcoming trip to Czechia in 2023 which I am paying for. That was how the conversation started.

 

Update: May 6, 2022

Last night I came home late and my husband was waiting for me. He had been blowing up my phone for the entire day, spamming me with accusing, but not untrue messages. The conversation did not go well…He accused me of avoiding him, which was true. I just couldn’t look at him. I used work as an excuse. He said I was withholding affection from him. He also accused me of being unfaithful to him, which was never true. I have a new coworker who just started approximately two weeks ago and Sam was convinced I was having an affair with them. I told him I didn’t even know that coworker. How could I have an affair?

I finally told him about what I overheard and how hurt I was. His response was to deny ever having that conversation and deny ever saying anything. He told me I probably misheard something or hallucinated due to stress.

I received several very helpful messages about a post my husband might have made. Though some of the details don’t match up, most of it do (our salaries, the time we’ve been married, the couch thing) and I asked him if he wrote the reddit post. He told me he doesn’t do reddit but didn’t outright deny making the post and asked me what I was doing on my phone all day for the past few days, which was reading all your messages on this throwaway. I told him that and he looked incredibly upset.

I told him that what he did really hurt me and he still insisted it never happened. I asked him if he ever loved me and he said “Don’t be stupid, of course I do. You’re the one cheating on me.” I told him I never cheated on him. It felt like the conversation was going in circles.

I brought up the possibility of a postnup, and he scoffed and said he didn’t want to divorce. If I tried to divorce him, he had a right to a lot of alimony. That part is true. Our state has strong alimony rights for spouses with salary differences. He only had his job for a few months and it’s the highest paying one he has had. He said “Who’s going to take care of you when you’re sick if you try to divorce me?”

I asked him if he ever lied to me or hid things from me and eventually he admitted that the way we met wasn’t an accident. He knew who I was and that I would be there and pretended to stumble into me as an excuse to make conversation. I demanded counseling as a first step and to my surprise he agreed.

At that point, I was getting a splitting headache- not a migraine, which I also get often. I went to bed and he gave me a glass of water and medicine and we just didn’t bring it up. I took today off work because I feel burnt out. I don’t feel like anything is resolved. Now I doubt myself and everything I heard. If I truly didn’t hear that, then I blew up my marriage for nothing. If he did say that and he’s capable of lying for 10 years, then why would I stay with him? At least we’re getting marriage counseling (and therapy for myself).

Excuse me for the numerous typos and grammatical errors. I’m exhausted.

 

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