I finally perfected my cloth diaper poop dunk-n-swish technique to un-brown diapers while out on the go, so as not to have to spray so much in the evening when we get home. It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out how to be effective at removing the brown solids from a cloth diaper with a dunk-n-swish.
He has figured out that not just dogs can crawl through the dog door, so can he.
Not one a child threw recently, but still by far my most favorite tantrum came when I was chatting with a young boy who I cared for about the very large salad bowl he had found in the kitchen and was playing with.
“It salad bowl,” he proudly said, and then as he attempted to fit inside of it he declared, “I salad.”
His older brother then came up and said, “You are not lettuce.”
The younger boy absolutely completely and totally lost it and melted all the way down, repeating the phrase, “Yes, lettuce. Am a lettuce.”
Of course we all ought to know that nothing about this meltdown was specifically due to the fact that the boy was not in fact a green leafy plant. It was due to the fact that he’d had it up to here with his brother trashing on his play and needed to release some of that irk.
How I handled it: I held space for his big feelings. I let him cry and fuss and kick and yell. So long as he wasn’t hurting himself or others, he needed to process the injustice done to him by his brother and he needed to feel the feelings caused by it. I made sure he was in a safe place and let him become a little adorable ball of emotions and waited for that change in cry, you know the one, where the anger changes to sadness. When we got there, I came over and gave voice to his feelings (“You felt undermined and invalidated. Your brother wasn’t invited into your play but he interrupted in order to destroy it, anyway. That made you mad.”) He came in for a hug, feeling seen and understood. I offered that I could help him come up with some ways to approach his brother about the situation if he wanted. He didn’t want. And so that was that. Within 5 minutes of the start of sad-cry, he was off on another game, this one trying (and failing) to levitate his hotwheels cars.
If you ignore that the intended audience of the book is a parent of an ADHD child, “Why Will No One Play With Me” (book) is a fabulous step-by-step primer that covers all the social and emotional skills one needs to succeed in the world as well as talks the reader (parent) through how to impart those lessons to a child who is good at analytical thinking. I wish there were a book written more broadly that is this good at preparing parents with more than just platitudes and broad goals.
There is something to be said about a small and consistent set of equally intelligent classmates from which to form bonds. I certainly did. It makes one not the weirdo because everyone there is HAG. Then, when out in gen pop and someone treats a HAG kid as The Weirdo, the response isn’t to internalize it with a, “Yeah, I’m the weirdo. No one ever wants to play with me,” but instead with a, “What’s his problem?!” So that’s actually good.
I was thinking more on the emotional side. Learning how to handle big feelings and small feelings. HAG kids tend to - and here I’m speaking from my former high school teacher career which I’ve long ago left - intellectualize the especially small feelings into nonexistence. It requires explicit instruction to just be taught how to feel. Not as an action item. Just as an experience.
Congratulations!
I’m the Mom, but I - er - the kid got Dad a personalized book to celebrate the fact that it is a first father’s day and then Dad and kid went to the local children’s science museum to explore together and make memories. I’m with kid nearly 24/7 so having dedicated dad-and-kid time is rare and a rare gift indeed. Thanks capitalism for that set of circumstances.
I gave away my entire freezer stash to a new mom whose milk was medically delayed. End of an era. The Chestburster is still nursing, but old enough now that solids and water can hold him should we be apart for any length of time.
(I take him to work with me, so I’m basically around him 24/7 in the normal course of our life.)
Oh yeah, lessons. Um … It is developmentally normal at around 10 months for a nursing kiddo, especially one who is used to straw cups (which they should be, for oralmotor development), to go a bit chompy chompy on the nipple. Especially the left nipple. This constitutes an income stream for IBCLCs. Just have them latch by dragging the nipple down from the kid’s nose to their mouth. This forces them to stick out their tongue to cover the bottom teeth and the top teeth will be at an angle which makes nipple damage challenging - not impossible, but challenging. The problem is “nipple confusion” of a sort. Their world schema only has “I get liquid out of this thing” and they’ve learned straw technique and are applying it to nipple. Within a week or two of forcing a correct latch on them, their world schema changes to “this is a nipple and that is a straw”. And now you don’t have to pay for an IBCLC visit!
When I was a teacher, I had a student make some outlandish and utterly preposterous statement about a gun. He was doing it for the attention as it appears this kid is, as well. I had to report it despite knowing there was nothing to it. The kid got connected with the help he needed for what he was dealing with.
Did you hear these directly or from your daughter? It doesn’t really matter. Either way, go to the school guidance department instead of the teacher. He’s probably dealing with some heavy adjustments from wherever he immigrated from and they ought to be equipped to connect him with a therapist who can help him process those feelings in a more prosocial manner.
Hi from North Carolina. I was a gifted program kid (now and adult) in this glorious state and have had plenty of encounters with children since who are in the program. I even went to the North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics. Go for it with the more rigorous academics BUT the thing you’ll need to enrich in the home environment is those social and emotional lessons. They are getting deprioritized in favor of academics and in order to succeed in the world, the ability to people is actually more valuable than the ability to scholar. But if she isn’t challenged in the classroom, instead of learning how to people, she’ll learn how to be in trouble due to very appropriately suppressing her frustration and boredom as much as her age can possibly do … which isn’t enough.
Also, if she’s any kind of mentally healthy, don’t send her to NCSSM, no matter how much she begs. That’s where people go to have massive mental health issues. The only people who did better at that school, and I am one of them, were people whose home lives were so challenging and unstable that the school was actually an upgrade. Any alumnus - except the ones specifically chosen by the recruiting office, of course - will tell you the same.
Number Blocks is phenomenal. Glad to see it getting representation.
Banned:
Caillou – whiny child and permissive parents; teaches nothing
Peppa Pig – same
Approved:
I’m going to give you permission to not swaddle. Swaddles aren’t necessary. At three weeks old there is nothing but a rough night. They don’t have stomachs large enough to tank up on calories to sleep for large periods of time. Small tummy = frequent wake = frequent feed. Moro helps prevent SIDS so don’t hate on it.
I’m a mom and a long time career nanny. In my career, I once had a kid who sleeps the way you are describing yours sleeps, in a twelve-hour straight run. It is a gift with no negative consequences. Grab that glory and don’t look back.
My own kid has always had a late bedtime. I’m talking 9 pm. Even when the book said it should be earlier, nope, not my kid.
I learned from following Dr. Pam Douglas that my kid has a huge stimulation appetite and just hadn’t built enough sleep pressure due to not actually doing anything or learning much and when I exposed him to a lot, he went to bed for his night sleep earlier and still to this day that’s his pattern. He’s 11 months and Saturday we went to a La Leche League meeting, a baby shower, a sprayground, and then a friend’s house. He went to bed at 5 pm and slept the night through. Sunday, we went to the farmer’s market but otherwise puttered around the house and he struggled to fall asleep by 10 pm. But Saturday’s level of go-go-go is completely unsustainable for us, so I’ve come to terms with a later bed time.
Dr. Douglas’s research shows that contrary to not-evidence-based opinion, children fuss not from overstimulation but from understimulation and that children in their first year are primed to be the biggest learning sponges they could ever possibly be so seek all the data and most parents do the opposite of meeting that need. 🤷♀️ I mean, she’s got sources and peer reviewed papers and all. But for me, all I can say is that my kid responds better now and also when he was a newborn to more exposure to the things rather than less exposure to the things. And really, the whole goal is to find what works for the kid you have, right?
Kind of like parenting toddlers: Provide food, sign docs, sling snacks, troubleshoot screens. Except yours can read.
I’m still a parent and I’m a lurker. Weekly discussions sound okay.
My news: We have entered toddler territory.
we’re doing something every week
get them to join us.
Join kid. What does kid like to do? Can you go along to it?
Kid is clearly not part of “we”. Kid needs to be part of “we”. Otherwise, for all the lip service you are doing about how you are reaching out, you’ve othered kid.
I said “I’m on my way”, arrived my teen got in the car said “hey” I responded ‘whats up’ and we drove home in silence. No “thanks for picking me up” nothing at all. And when my partner said “you know you could thank your dad for picking you up” my teen responded “I did”. They did not.
The response is, “I hear you telling me that you did. I believe you. Your brain is telling you that you did. My brain is telling me that you didn’t. So, help me out here, and do it again so that I can shut my brain up?”
Because you do believe them, right? Otherwise you are insisting they lie to your face. “Hey, I know you aren’t thankful whatsoever but I’m going to need you to say the exact opposite to me, k. Give me a full 180 degree lie from your actual feelings on the matter. I’m not interested in you, just in rituals.”
Also, it is super great that your kid is rude to you. I know it doesn’t seem that way, but it means that despite all the rest of your dysfunctions, kiddo feels secure in your unending support. We fawn where we think we stand to be abandoned. Kiddo isn’t fawning. Kiddo knows they won’t be abandoned. That’s a great seed from which a beautiful relationship can grow once some brambles are trimmed back. (Note, this rude-is-good is only for child-to-parent. No other relationship can this rule be applied to.)
and only take their meds when they “remember”.
Those quotes better be because you are direct quoting them and not because you are trying to induce doubt. It is very well known that people with ADHD have trouble remembering (notice, no quotes here) to take their medication. ADHD is an executive function disorder; meaning they have executive dysfunction. Memory is an executive function. What safety net does the family have for the child’s memory failing them? What are your guardrails?
Have you actually planned, strategized, restructured around the needs of one of the inhabitants in your home?
You know the old adage, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”? Looks like no matter how many times your child has their typical struggles, as their outsourced executive function coach and substitute executive function, you haven’t done your part. It’s not shame on your child anymore ;)
I’ll give you a gimme and if it helps, then you can follow up by engaging the services of an ADHD coach – For those who forget to take their medication, put the medication AND WATER next to the bed. Set two alarms. The first one they wake up and take their meds without having to move anything more than their arm. Then they can go back to sleep. The second alarm, a half hour later (because most ADHD meds reach efficacy a half hour after consumption), is their real get up for the day alarm. They should be able to get up more easily due to the efficacy of the medication. It will take 102 practice days, so for 102 days, you need to get up with the first alarm and supervise that the medication has been taken. After that, the routine will be well worn in so that it can be relied on.
Or, if that’s too much effort on your part – Talk to their psychiatrist about moving them to a non-stimulant. Nonstimulants build up in the system and can tolerate several skipped days while still offering benefits. Stimulants cannot seeing as how they lose efficacy within 24 hours.
My teen has always been troubled. They have always been highly sensitive.
Okay, I am REALLY not seeing all this education about ADHD you claim you have.
Of [curse redacted] course they have always been troubled and “highly sensitive” (aka ADHD). It is a LIFELONG CONDITION. In order to be life long it has to be there from their first breath to their dying day. In fact, as a diagnostic criteria for this label it has to be life long, not caused by some later-occurring trauma.
You act as if this is an excuse. No, dude, you are just telling us that your child has ADHD over and over and over and over and over again in ways that I can tell that YOU don’t know you are. This is like ADHD 101. Where the [curse redacted] did you get your education? Almost watching two whole YouTube videos done by clickbait artists bullshirting? (this last bit meant to provide levity; I heard the whole “you didn’t research, you almost watched two whole YouTube videos” somewhere and thought it was funny) I suspect that you have sought information, but that you’ve been ill served by resources you took to be credible that were instead abelist bias-pushing. If Dr. Gabor Mate was at all in your research folder, then just know you’ve absolutely found your way to the wrong information. You are looking for Dr. Ned Hallowell and Dr. Russell Barkley.
You are and continue to be completely unskilled in parenting ADHD. Please own this. Once you do, then you will be open to positive changes. Else, you’ll lose your child. Parenting a child of a neurotype you do not possess is all in the logic brain and cannot come from the intuition brain.
Edited because I read other comments of yours – You seem to have had incredibly poor luck in the ways you reached out for help. Not all therapists, in fact I’d be wiling to say it is a minority of therapists and they are specialists, are able to assist a neurodivergent household. Neurotypical therapy DOES NOT WORK for a neurodivergent home; in fact it harms more than it helps. Your local CHADD or ADDA chapter will be able to point you to therapeutic professionals with neurodivergent qualifications who can provide actionable guidance to make things better. This level of therapeutic professional you need is a very niche specialist who only deals in neurodivergence. So one of the hallmarks of someone who isn’t able to help is someone whose PsychologyToday profile offers therapy for more than just neurodivergent families/households/individuals.
I felt the exact same way. Looking at my first child gave me hope for the future in a way I hadn’t, before. We’re going to be okay.