Oh man they both didn’t deserve you and another ounce of your energy! Thank you so much and will warmly welcome you to guest on my podcast haha, sending a big online hug back!

Thank you so much for your input, a lot to think about. I think I will wonder about him from time to time and worry about his welfare. It’ll have to be from a distance. Stay well!

Not the same person but I don’t know if that makes this better or worse, girl. And I’m fully aware my dating record so far has potential for a pretty profitable heartbreak podcast :'( Narcissist, tortured bad boy, lovebombers, guy who dumps me right before my favorite holiday, middle aged coworker who almost kidnaps me (we weren’t dating, but damn).

It helped so much to imagine everything without the sparkly tingly feels. Frightening. I agree it was moving way too fast from his side and I truly hope he finds the resources to heal. I told him he deserves happiness and hope he stays well. I’ll think about him time to time from afar. Unable to be with him, unable to forget him. That’s the way it goes. Thank you for your help, friend

Well said, I still have scars but at least they’re not open wounds anymore. And I do believe the breakup helped him in his journey even if it didn’t seem like it to either of us at that point in time. It shook him awake a bit and hopefully offered some new perspective.

Thank you for the reminder, friend. I sometimes am the hardest on myself.

Thank you for your edit. I feel like some people will think you’re being dramatic and that strangulation specifically sounds like this far-fetched phenomenon. However, I believe this is really important to address.

I want to share my two cents and illustrate why it’s not all that uncommon yet how common it is for this to be overlooked. I once was into kinky choking with significant others. I no longer entertain this and will stand by this no matter how tempted. In a frisky moment with my narcissist ex’s hands on my neck, he straight up said: “I want to SUFFOCATE you”. No one has ever said something like that to me, he was completely unprovoked, we were in good moods, and we didn’t even have so much as a disagreement at that point. For him to say that to me, as a narcissist who isn’t a veteran with PTSD, let alone a veteran with PTSD who clearly a massively damaged and dangerous person AND has war trauma, is chilling as is. Add in a few fights and drama, that becomes an even more concerning situation.

I’m not trying to dictate what people should do in the confines of their bedrooms, but I have to at least voice this. Take the kinky element out of the picture for a second. That is a full-grown man sucking the oxygen out of a woman’s lungs, both in their most vulnerable and defenseless states. If a form of taking someone’s life is what gets you going, that’s your choice and a different story entirely. I’m just saying it’d be wise to think twice, think about what actions are actually happening right before your eyes and if the risk is worth the reward. I haven’t even gotten to the psychological and mental effects that can come from glorifying choking and downplaying its dangers. There are plenty of studies online with statistics of choking inadvertently becoming fatal. One does not need to intend to murder, in order for it to happen.

I’ll even share one more. After breaking up from the narcissist, I had an extremely successful, attractive, well-liked guy tell me that he chokes anyone else in the room when he watches a horror movie. I later read up on it, and this is also not healthy behavior. So if this can be such a common concept thrown out in everyday conversation, why would anyone want to purposefully subject themselves to this literally life-threatening position - for the cheap thrills? Because they do it online? “Everyone” else does it therefore you should too?

PS: I’m not a prude and am all for other playful kinky delights with the right person. Just felt the need to share this from my personal experience which is also supported by clinical research.

Narcissist ex was Mr. Charm who became Mr. Harm. I was reeling from that for the whole year. The worst part is I think part of him genuinely regretted not being capable of knowing better than he did in the moment and couldn’t undo it. But no matter how remorseful he was in that instant, his narcissism is so deeply rooted that it would just be alleviating a symptom and not curing the disease. I was heartbroken but knew I couldn’t heal him, fix him, save him. Sometimes I still catch myself thinking about it as if I missed the solution that could make us work, but then I remind myself of the same reality - he is a narcissist who is fundamentally different from me and I would only be signing up for more pain rather than learning the lesson at a root level.

So sorry for what you had to go through and thank you for sharing. I do think he needs some time and space to heal. I feel awful for what he had to endure. His PTSD is from serving as a veteran rather than family abuse as far as he knows. Does that change anything?

Great analogy and points made, thank you. I do think he needs some time and space to heal. I feel sorry for him and what he had to go through. But part of me knows I can’t subject myself to healing him, or myself alongside him. It’s too much all at once. One more thing, his PTSD is from serving as a veteran rather than family abuse as far as he knows. Does that change anything?

Thank you so much! I really should and need to after investing a lot into my goals. I’m starting to feel bad for feeling attracted to him. More importantly, I was trying to understand why was I falling for him and what I can do to not keep going for the wrong guys.

Would you mind elaborating? It’s a topic I’ve been curious about since dating a narcissist in the hopes of protecting myself going forward. For this guy, is it because of how he was always the hero of the story? I’ve been trying to see if I can identify narcissistic traits that resemble my ex. So far, this guy has asked more questions and does seem genuinely caring/curious about me. But sometimes he doesn’t respond at all to what I say and he’ll jump to a new unrelated topic which I thought could be PTSD.

Red flag parade lol! But yes very true, I think poor guy knows it too and is really trying to turn it around. I literally told him I’m not sure if it’s my trust issues or he’s a walking red flag, and he took it very well. That’s also why I’m attracted I think, he is so sweet after all he’s been through. But reading everyone’s warnings was a wake-up call and made me feel bad and questioning myself for feeling attracted to him. Thank you so much

Thank you so much! I really needed to hear it and hope I can see that more myself soon.

This helps a lot, thank you!

Well said, he is the type of guy who would change his behavior completely if I were a male. So in a word, misogynist as was mentioned above. It still makes me so angry, mainly the lack of respect. It also confuses me that someone I shared all this with, who is of a very different culture, said Ann/Ned didn’t really do anything wrong (which no one has said on this thread). I know this person means well but I would really understand them better if they weren’t always trying to see what I could do better from my side, and acknowledge that sometimes other people are the bad guy.

All true, thank you! I really hope so too. I’ve never been treated that way before, especially in a setting that is fully meant to be professional by definition.

I will say while the harassment wasn’t in the sense of bossman asking for a quickie in his office - the harassment was clear with sexual undertone. For more context, we went on a work trip where it was supposed to be all 3 of us there overnight. Ann bailed (no surprise there), so I was forced to be there with Ned. I wanted to go to a cheaper hotel and made it clear I was content staying there myself while he went elsewhere, and Ned kept pressuring me to get this fancy hotel, same one as him. He rented this bright colored trendy car (not the norm for business trips) and said he thought it would look better/more impressive. I instantly thought “Who cares? We are here for work.” It clearly wasn’t for the client because he purposefully parked far away so they wouldn’t see (suspicious in and of itself). He wanted me to go to dinner (with his friend, but still) and randomly claimed he forgot to pack the most essential things and wanted me to go to not one, but two, stores with him. I was so pissed when he kept pressuring me to order a more expensive dish to share and got upset when I didn’t. We got back to the hotel around 10:30pm or even later. Constantly cracking dumb jokes trying to make me laugh. So yes I think the look in his eye wasn’t innocent warmth and longing. I sat in that car and went with his shenanigans because it was a work trip. Some people might be ok with this shit. I’m not some people. As for dramatic, I’ll take it over keeping silent over this misogynistic treatment that has no place in any community.

I want to so badly but what about the bridges that would burn? He isn’t the most well-liked but he has been there for a while and has connections with two really important leaders who did help me out a lot, including Ann (as much as I hate to admit it; all this happened after I opened up to her help)

Is it possible this could change the severity of the reactions, such as HR and police involvement? The car was parked and I technically could have bailed in the middle of their sentence, so it wasn’t like they were forcefully shackling me or operating a moving vehicle. Any legal professionals able to comment? At any rate, that is exactly what he is doing - feeding toxic culture by snitching to Ann that I ignored whatever attempt he did to reach me again - and then she went and told our other coworker that I mentioned. Unbelievable, toxic culture.

I agree, thank you! That was the worst part of it all. I think it brought back some of my past trauma as well dealing with this other nasty mean pair ganging up on me. I was several years younger than that pair too. Some people just love to try exerting control when it isn’t even about that. In this case, it was as if Ann kept trying to matchmake us and felt like I owed that to her, blatantly asking my age and stating that he is X years older, asking what my type is, blaming me for “creating distance” when I always take public transpo home and simply wanted to again - on a Saturday night at that. Do you think they might retaliate though, especially Ann? I don’t know why I’m so afraid of that part

I agree, thank you! I started doing that when he was harassing me about printing months ago. It was such a ridiculous question. He asked me where in the office the printers are. They are literally everywhere. And he has been there before. There is a huge map at the entrance. Also I was not even on the floor, nor am I Maintenance. I emailed back something like “I missed the text you had sent on the weekend. There are printers near each of the supplies areas on the floor.”