BreadMaster5000 [he/him]

Hey y’all! It’s been a long time, glad this thread has been revived (thank you @FourteenEyes@hexbear.net ).

I have gone through the process of getting diagnosed since the last post. Turns out I have ASD! Thank you for giving me the tools to go through this process.

I think my breaking point for getting diagnosed was when I felt like my coping strategies weren’t working anymore. I felt like I had to get some help because things were not sustainable as they were.

I’ve used endurance sports in order to numb/quiet all my emotions, my anxiety and my body. I’ve had moments where I’ve had panic attacks because I did too much while not letting my body recover. I felt like if I’d stop I’d have too much time to ruminate on negative thoughts. It used up all my time and I did that alone, so I didn’t see or talk to anyone for weeks. It was horrible (but looked socially acceptable). I’ve used fawning in my past relationships, which burnt me out emotionally, it took so much out of me in the long run.

I’m trying to heal now and to have healthier coping strategies (and to lessen the need for coping). With sports, I’ve learned to let go, to listen to my body a bit better and to find other people like me in order to make things more social. It’s been a long process. As for fawning, I’m definitely still struggling : it’s literally my job to help people do their tasks. I am now at a point where I can do everything and can help entire teams of people. I feel like I am putting too much on my shoulders and it takes a toll on me. In my personal life, I am trying to put boundaries, to learn what I like and to find my “strawberry people”.

As an aside, since I’ve finished reading this book, I have read the following books to help in my journey :

• “Autism Relationships Handbook”, “Unfuck Your Brain” and “Unfuck Your Boundaries” by Faith G. Harper
• “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment” by Amir Levine

If you ever have any other books that have helped you (not necessarily related to ASD), feel free to add them to this thread!

What did you think of this chapter? Is there anything new you learned? Anything that really activates those almonds, gets the noggin joggin’?

Well this chapter essentially deconstructed my general thought process, so that was uuuuuh, kind of a special? It prepared me for my diagnostic process… My GP referred me to what ended up being a pediatric clinic for ASD, which was a bit discouraging.

Are there any passages that really stuck out to you? Something you think warrants deeper discussion or really crystallizes something you were struggling to express or share?

The entire passage about children learning to hide their autistic traits from a young age, having their parents not getting a diagnosis to help their child “rise above” their limitations. I was a really sensitive child, I was bullied until I forgot how to be myself. I got scolded in class for not listening, even if I already understood everything. Even if my teacher recommended it, my parents didn’t want me to get diagnosed for ADHD because they didn’t want me to use it as a “crutch”. I’m still struggling to understand how society only recently learned that the long-lasting effects of not getting a diagnosis to get the proper help can really mess with people and that we still need help even if we manage to “swim” and survive.

Any certified “literally me” moments that touched you?

Most of us have to figure out ways to conceal our stimming and special interests. We might maintain a secret blog about our interests, for example, or find socially acceptable ways to get our energy out, such as long-distance running or fidgeting with our phones.

As an ultra-trail runner, I was screaming in my car when I heard that quote in the audiobook. I got into ultra-endurance sports because it made me find peace with myself, made me feel accepted and I could be intense about it without it being too weird.

What interested you in this book club?

I initially stumbled upon a thread on here where this book was recommended and I felt like it described the missing pieces to the puzzle of understanding myself. I have read through the book already and I’d like to read your experiences, as well as to share mine. I’d like to learn to unmask, to be myself, to accept myself as I am, to be compassionate with myself and to find happiness in all of this.

Are you neurodiverse? Do you know someone who is?

I am pretty sure that I have ASD. I score pretty high on the different tests that were posted on the other threads. The waitings lists are pretty long to get diagnosed where I am but I should get it sorted next year. Most of my friends have ADHD, I am usually the one that gives them structure and we balance out.

What stood out to you about the introduction? Any choice quotes? Anything you relate to?

I believed something was fundamentally wrong with me. I seemed to be broken in ways I couldn’t explain, but which everyone else could see at a glance. I spent several more years languishing like this, working myself to the point of burnout, having emotional breakdowns, relying on romantic partners for social contact and a sense of worthiness, and googling things like “how to make friends” in the middle of the night. Through it all, I never considered asking for help or sharing with anyone how I felt. I lived by a very narrow set of rules, and remaining independent and invulnerable was chief among them.

Many of these stealthily Autistic people fell back on their intellect or other talents to gain acceptance. Others became incredibly passive, because if they toned down their personalities, they wouldn’t have to risk being too “intense.” Beneath the inoffensive, professional veneers they had developed, their lives were falling apart. Many of them suffered from self-harm, eating disorders, and alcoholism. They were trapped in abusive or unfulfilling relationships, with no clue how to feel seen and appreciated. Nearly all of them were depressed, haunted by a profound sense of emptiness. Their entire lives had been shaped by mistrust in themselves, hatred of their bodies, and fear of their desires.

I’d have a couple more, but the ones that hit me the most were in the next chapters. Thank you for organizing this!

I feel you. To understand yourself better when you had no tools in order to do so doesn’t fix everything, but it sure changes the framework with which you work with. I hope you find self compassion and that you find your true self in your path of healing. I’m at the start of my journey also, so I don’t have any answers to your questions, but I hope that you find them!

YES! I have never seen myself so represented in a book. It was a real mind opener in the process of accepting myself. I stumbled by chance on a thread where the book was suggested and I’m so glad I did. Thank you all!