Do the writers have any programming experience? Because I’ve used most of those languages - and the comic actually makes very little sense. It’s trying to be funny in the same way as The Big Bang Theory, by using the subject’s superficial properties to get the non-nerds to think they’re “in” on the joke.

Actually I’ll give it a try.

You have C. You put on your armor at home. The horse won’t let you mount it, so you take off your armor, mount the horse, and put on your armor again. Your horse falls over and your armor falls off at the gate, so you lead your horse outside, mount it, put on your armor, and off you go to the next incompatible platform…

You have C++. You take your sword, your armor, your horse, your squire, your maids, your house, all of the citizens, the king, and the entire city with you. Arriving at the castle, you take out a ladder and use it to rescue the princess.

You have C#. You rescue the princess, but fail to realize that you actually rescued a clone. Shortly after you leave, the garbage man kills the real princess and levels the castle.

You have Java. You use it to construct a hamster ball around yourself. When you get to the castle, you realize that it’s the wrong kind of hamster ball.

You have Rust. The developers would really rather you refer to the “rust” on your equipment as “oxidation” and the princess as “royal offspring”.

You have ELisp. You could rescue the princess, but why put in all the effort when you could make Emacs act like a princess?

You have Awk. You try to rescue the princess, but she was two steps farther than you expected, so you rescued her chair.

You have Regex. With much trial and error, you rescue the princess. When the king asks how, you have no answer.

You have PHP. You send a 200 before hanging yourself.

PHP is no longer awful. There, I said it.

Same PHP knight. Same.

TIL that there is a Chuck Norris of programming. What a gigachad.

You have Perl:

You rescue the princess with a clever one liner and never realize that you returned her to the wrong country.

Your Perl script toils quietly in obscurity for decades - transporting random princesses to random countries.

When someone finally disables the Perl scipt, a cascade of unexpected consequences destroys your country.

Your have Fortran:

You rescue every princess in the world, in a massively parallel operation. Wait, none of these was a captured princess. You’ve accidentally kidnapped a lot of people. But you did it really fast.

You have Python:

You setup a virtual castle and create an elegant three line rescue solution. To get your elegant three line solution working at the actual castle, you level the castle one brick at a time. You accidentally free princess manually, and she helps you debug the final version of the now useless rescue script. But she agrees that it is a really elegant script.