i wish i had even a platonic friend that liked to read at all, let alone specifically leftist theory. i feel like a smug redditor for saying this but the intellectual loneliness is absolute in this barren wasteland suburban hell alienation farm. all anyone wants to do is drink and/or watch youtubers react to shitty reality tv shows. i’m sick of being the only one that knows what fucking words mean, of being the only one that knows anything about history or how to look into sources critically. of being the only person with artistic opinions beyond “i liked the most recent slop”. Organize you say? we can’t even organize a fucking D&D game that doesn’t fizzle out after 3 sessions. i’ve already found the 2 non-country-music-enjoyers (i.e. non-racists) in the tri-state area (it seems like) and they are already in a relationship together. every girl that ever talked to me or seemed slightly cool already had someone, and the boy i was with for a short time didn’t last and moved on to someone hotter (and younger, and without a pesky y chromosome). i just want to fucking die, i feel like an interdimensional prisoner in a libido-based torture system. my existence consists of the comforts of unearned privilege and personal mediocrity. i’ve been too busy trying to cope with existing in this hellscape to develop any skills, i can’t get a job that’s not app-based, i’m too fucking tired all the time (despite not having a job) to exercise so i fell like crap about my body constantly, i’ve failed to put enough time or effort into any of the creative endeavors i have attempted so far, and it all adds up to me not having a very charismatic personality that others want to be around. and without money or the skills to make it there is no escape. i am literally just waiting for my parents to die, and then i might have enough money from selling the house to barely survive another 10 years. i don’t want to feel that way about my parents. i feel like absolute shit complaining about any of this while other people struggle just to eat every day, while i have access to treats (high fructose corn syrup and heartburn) and a house i don’t pay rent for. i feel like i wouldn’t survive long in most people’s lives, i’m barely avoiding self fedposting as it is. materially comfortable but maximally alienated. i’ve never had access to mental health services but i’ve thought about self fedposting basically every day for my entire life (30 years) and no one i’ve ever told about this irl has really cared, they just look slightly uncomfortable and go quiet or change the topic. its not like anyone could do anything about it, if i went to therapy they would just gaslight me about politics and tell me to pull myself up harder by my own bootstraps. I pray for the day chinese hypersonic missiles come to liberate me and everyone around me from this mortal coil. i am a shrivelled zombie of disgust and hatred.

anyway back to pretending to be normal