This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/secure-raspberry-763 on 2024-06-03 13:58:18+00:00.

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I am not OP. That is u/No-Long-5032 who posted to AITAH

TW: death of a loved one

Original Post May 24th, 2024

There’s too much to say, But I’ll try to make it short. I’m using the Google traductor for most of the things, sorry

In short: I(34f) have been dating Leon (42m) for two years.

My uncle became friends with Leon when they started working together and he started coming to family gatherings and birthdays. Leon is a great guy and we get along instantly, my family always talked to me about Leon saying he’s a great guy. One day Leon asked me out on a date and I said yes, we started dating.

Leon has two children (14m and 12m), his wife died in an accident nine years ago.

Here comes the problem: Leon always talks about his wife. I know it sounds ugly to complain about it but I don’t say it with jealously, I mean it uncomfortably. He mentions her in intimate moments of our time, such as when we finish having intimacy or when we’re having a date, sometimes he just starts telling me random anecdotes about his wife and I just stay there feeling like if I’m sleeping with a married man and I’m the side piece. I don’t ask for much, just to have a date where it’s just me and him, a date where I don’t feel like someone’s lover with a man who talks about the things WE like. He goes to the psychologist so according to him he’s working better on his grief but I doubt it very much. I’m not the first girlfriend he had after his wife passed away.

He still has contact with his wife’s family (which is obvious, they are the grandparents of his children) and I have met them in person only one time because all they did was tell me how much Leon and his wife loved each other and treat me really bad, I remember that they put a video with photos of Leon and his wife when they married while I was like this🧍because they didn’t even gave me a chair to sit. I think in their minds is cute to me to see my boyfriend with his wife? Idk, it’s not cute, it’s weird.

He always says in front of me that she was the love of his life, I find it cute but when I think about the future I’m just like “I really want to get old with a man who is making it clear that he will never love me? Is that the kind of love I want? I want to be the only one for my future husband”. One time I took him to my favorite place and he just said “it’s beautiful, I wish wife’s name was here so we could show her this. You two would have been good friends.” it’s like being a third wheel in my own relationship. I can tell a lot of situations like these, A LOT. We talked about this, most of the times he just says that he does that without thinking but then he seems to forget about it and goes back to his usual behavior and I’m tired.

The only one time I talked about this with my family I was only told that a real woman wouldn’t be jealous of a dead woman (I’m not jealous, I’m uncomfortable) and would be happy to be with a man who has loved another woman like that and expect him to love me almost the same. That I shouldn’t expect him to love me in the same way since all love is different and that I should just be empathetic and supportive of him. I listened to them but nothing got better. I’ve been feeling so much pressure to go through with this that I can’t take it anymore.

Anyways, I stopped listening to my family and finally talked with my friend who’s a psychologist and told me that his behavior is not healthy for anyone and that I should think for myself.

She texted “Good for him for loving his wife so much, but you don’t deserve to be used as an emotional support doll” And she’s right. I have decided to cut off the relationship but this year marks ten years since the death of his wife, not only his family, even MY family is helping them to host a family reunion in honor of her with the things she likes. I think it’s a nice thing to do, but I’m totally ready to end the relationship but I’m afraid I’m the bad guy in the story.

The 10th anniversary is in July, I want to end the relationship NOW but I fear that I will be a POS if I do that in this year when he is so vulnerable and even my family is pushing me to act like if I was his wife’s bestfriend. He even says that his wife and I would be good friends if we had meet, why would you want your wife to be best friends with the woman you’re sleeping with right now? It’s too weird, I think I’m insane because everyone around me sees it as something cute.

In short, I don’t know if I should break up with him right now or wait until I don’t know, next year? Would I be a POS if I break up with him now?

Added comments

OP

He goes to therapy and has even taken me many times to his wife’s grave until I asked him not to take me anymore because I don’t feel comfortable 🥴 I know he goes to visit her grave a lot.

Yes, I think my family acts that weird because my brother goes through the same situation with his wife and they think I want the same thing

Commenter

Did you ask him why that relationship ended?

OP

He told me that it was because his ex-girlfriend hated when he talked about his wife and didn’t respected her memory, at the time I believed him but now I think that the girl maybe was feeling like me

He once told me that he mistakenly called his ex by his wife’s name 🥴

Update May 27th, 2024

(I had to Edit some personal data I wrote without realizing)

A few people who lived the same situation messaged me and that really helped me to feel understood, I finally talked with all my friends about everything he did, I always avoided doing that because I knew they were going to tell me that I should leave him but I just ended up being trapped by everyone else words. We didn’t loved each other and that’s obvious even if he says doesn’t think so. Yes, I actually posted to get approval, I don’t know how bad is that but I needed to know that I was doing things right and that I’m not crazy before I said the truth to my friends.

The next day I finally talked to Leon, I REALLY needed to break up at that point.

He came to see me at my house and I told him we needed to talk. I went straight to the point saying I want to end the relationship and he instantly asked me what he did wrong, we literally had this talk before and he does know what things makes me feel uncomfortable, I was tired so I just proceeded to list everything he did. How he never defended me from his ex’s-in-law, how he never made an effort to stop naming his wife all the time even though I told him a thousand times that it made me uncomfortable, how does he make me feel like I’m the third in my own relationship, etc.

He apologized saying the same as always, that he doesn’t realize it when he does that, we’ve had this discussion before MANY times but this time I told him I want to break up. I also told him that I don’t think his therapist is helping but Leon just said the HE is helping him and feels mentally well.

Leon told me that we could start going together with his therapist because he knows that “It can be hard for a woman to be with a widower, jealousy is a normal thing in this kind of cases” and that really triggered me.

I’ve let both his and my family make me believe that I’m a crazy jealous, I’ve let even blogs about widower couples fill my head with things like “You just have to be empathetic, don’t expect him to love you. He’s always going to love his first wife more so just get used to it and be a good woman”. I’ve let myself be trampled on just because everyone told me that getting over a loss is difficult and I have to be empathetic and think about the other.

I’m so damn tired of it, I’m tired of being empathetic, I’ve been dragging this thought for months and in that moment I just burst out.

We yelled at each other, we said a lot of things to each other but at the end of it all he went on with his mentality that I’m wrong and I’m just jealous, he said that I clearly don’t feel ready to date a widower and I ended up being like his ex, I told him that he’s a fucking hypocrite. That he filled his mouth talking shits about his ex-girlfriend but now I’m sure that he treated her like he treated me, he probably took a submissive woman to fullfill the void and took us as sex dolls.

None of that echoed in his mind because he left my house saying I’m just jealous of a ghost and I disappointed him. I’m fed up, I’m so angry while I write this.

As soon as he left the house I sended my mother a message saying that I’m not going to live the same life of my SIL, living in the shadow of a woman who’s no longer in this world and they should have empathy for me and not for a man who’s not even their family. I told her that I’m tired of being pressured and I don’t care if I die single. I’m sure they don’t care about how I feel, in the end they will keep saying that I have a cold heart like always but I want to not care about that anymore.

My friends are staying at my house to keep me company and I can finally get all the accumulated shit out of my brain with them.

I don’t feel good being second and I know I’ll always be second. I don’t want to replace the place of the first wife and I know that even if I wanted to, I never will. I know a lot if people feels good with that kind…

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